I don’t want to touch the sky–

right now, I’m just trying to get my life back on track.
I have to learn to trust my own voice to lead me, and therefore, I have been writing more. I guess I’ve mostly been writing about Tim stuff, since that’s an unresolved ending yet. You’d think, after we loved each other, and then tried to cut each other the deepest, and how many times he made me cry, that this would all be over… but no. Just when I think it ends, it all resurfaces again like a recurring zit. It reminds me of the sky; no matter how far you run, you can’t escape it.

Kayla pointed something out to me… I’m a horrible girlfriend. Not that I didn’t already know that, but still… hearing it from someone else just made it all too real. I don’t behave how I know I can. I’m so critical of him, but truthfully, that’s just because I love him the most. I don’t want to see him go up in flames. I know it isn’t right, but I avoid his kisses and wriggle out of his hugs. I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s because right now, I want to be more alone than ever. I don’t know. I’m just messed up and I have no fucking clue how to fix it.
Dustin’s very hands on, and I’m very "I-don’t-want-to-be-touched."
He just doesn’t know how much I love him. How much I miss him sometimes, because I feel like I’m a million miles away. He has to put up with me and my mood swings, be rejected from hugs and kisses.
More now than ever, I just want to be alone. I want to sulk.
Sometimes I question myselff, thinking that maybe it’s because I don’t love him anymore. But I picture him leaving or being seperated from him, and I burst into tears. Obviously, it’s not that. I love the kid to death, but I feel inadequate, like I can’t even hold myself together, much less him. It’s horrible and I hate feeling this way. I feel like I can’t even control myself anymore. All I want to do is help him, but I’m emotionally incapable.
And maybe, just maybe, he’d be better off without me.
I’m just not strong enough to do this anymore.
Kayla said that other girls would die to have what I have; a boyfriend who cares about you, and loves you with all his heart, and asks about your day, and holds you when your sad, and calms you when your angry. And guess what? I would give EVERYTHING to have that back again. He does all of those things, but I don’t appreciate them. I brush them off.
I’d give anything to see those blue eyes of those light up like they always used to do when he saw me. Now all I see is apprehension of "How’s she going to be today?" It’s breaking me, it’s killing me, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold up under all of this.

i’d sell my soul to make these feelings go away.
</3amanda