Gold Heart

Life lately has been really nice.
Mostly pretty painful, but so…enriching.
Sometimes, you can surprise yourself with who you are, what you can bear.

I have strength now that I swear I have never had before.
Relying on myself for my own happiness has turned out to be easier and more fulfilling than I had originally thought.
Don’t get me wrong, I still bawl my eyes out almost every day.
Little things set me off, sending me down nostalgia-laden paths.
I have this fierce ache in my chest almost constantly,
and the anxiety … goddamn the anxiety alone could kill me.

Every day I lie awake in my bed wondering if I’ve made the right decisions.
Sometimes I can feel my self-preservation instincts building within me, trying to tell me to shut down my heart to stop the constant hurting.
But I fight it every step of the way.
Sometimes I can feel my pride and arrogance trying to rise in me, but as soon as I become aware of it, I banish it back to the chamber of uselessness from whence it came.
Sometimes I feel victim mentality set in, and I gently remind myself that it was my own hand that brought it about.

Sometimes I want to scream my frustration, cry out all the heaviness of emotion, laugh like nothing matters……destroy myself.
But I won’t let that happen.
I have something worth fighting for.

I am fighting for ME, because no one else is going to.
I do have interests, and I do have hobbies, and goddamn it, I do have friends.
My life is beautiful in its simplicity.
I don’t need to slay a fucking dragon or fly around the world or be a celebrity to enjoy my life and find it fulfilling.
Dream big, yes — but don’t lose sight of the beauty of the ground you’re already standing on.

And there’s more to fight for, but I refuse to overplay my hand.
Just in case.
This will be a public entry, after all
(because if I wanted something current to be read, this entry would be it).

Don’t get me wrong — I know I still have a long way to go in my "recovery".
Which basically is consisting of me understanding simple concepts, such as,
"Hey, these are things that bring me happiness, so I’m going to discover them/do them/enjoy them. Hey, these are the things that bring me pain, so I’m going to discover them/analyze them/grow from them. Hey, these people are good influences on my life (cuddles closer). Hey, these people are bad influences on my life (No "Tits or GTFO"…Just GTFO, no tits necessary)."

Because, here’s the difference:
For most of my life, I’ve been running from something.
This time? I’m running towards something.

Here’s to wiping the slate clean.
And slowly becoming the gold-heart I always wanted to be.

No, I’m not totally there yet.
But I’m on the right path.
And no one is getting in my way this time — not even myself.

Love,
Amanda