game face.

I cried for both of us today.
For the first time in eight years.
Because every fractured piece of my heart that aches, every single interminable moment spent alone, every stretching second being patient?
You suffered it too. Multiple times. Because of me.

"I’m so sorry," I whispered brokenly, my throat thick with tears.
Except sorry isn’t good enough. Sorry can’t fix the hell I put you through.
Nothing can fix that, except my love and figurative rebirth, I hope.

God, I hope.

—
I’ve been making my entries public because I hope that you read them.
I don’t think that you do though.
So I should stop.
—

I just talked to my mom for a half hour and she said that I need to wait and be patient and stop analyzing everything and just take life day by day and stop worrying about everything.
Same thing that everyone has been telling me.
I’m sure I’ve been a real bore.

It’s hard, though. Really hard.
Every minute is a fucking struggle.
And I am slowly snapping out of it, but it’s going to take awhile.

Grr, I hate this point in my life.
I really hope that one day I can look back and feel like I accomplished a lot during this time.
—

In other news, I did enjoy that run today.
I’m going to keep it up.

I finally worked my 7th day in a row so now I get two days off.
I’m really excited (meh, actually) and really exhausted, obviously.
i need to stay busy but i also need to recharge.

New job starts on the 6th. Upset that I’m treading water financially, but hopefully things will look up once I start working there.
It will definitely be a change of pace, if nothing else.

I need to work on some more LA stuff, seriously. Or I need to take a break analyzing everything and just check out with a book or something.

I feel like I need a hobby but I’m so beyond broke that I just don’t see how starting a new hobby (besides running) is going to happen.

I feel like I’m whining. I am.

I need something. I need a sign. Something.

God grant me the strength to get through the next few weeks.
God grant me the clarity to see my path clearly without analyzing everything to death.
God grant me the love and support I need right now so freaking badly.

I ask a lot, but at least I know of what I ask.

I wish my birthday would go away; it’s a week from Sunday already.
I’ll be old enough to drink but I don’t even feel like an adult yet.

I need a vacation from myself, and I’ve only been truly alone for like a week,
although I’ve felt alone for months and months.

fucking fuck.

Love,
amanda