Feel the fear, and do it anyway.
It’s quarter after seven, my best friend left for school a few minutes ago, and we’ve both been up since quarter to six. I was the lucky recipient of 12 hours of sleep though, and it felt damn good. Then again, I pulled an all-nighter on Saturday night, so I probably still haven’t totally caught up on my zzz’s yet but… shrug.
Which reminds me, I need to STOP pulling all-nighters. It makes Sunday morning brunch a lot more fun, but it’s pretty sad when I’m trying to have a conversation with Kari in the office and my eyes are all heavy and my head starts to droop, so I hold it up by balancing my head on my hand, and then I need to get up and do some dishes to stay awake.
Jennie rolled her eyes at me when I told her I was up all night. I think that she thinks that I’m headed toward implosion. I haven’t been this reckless with taking care of myself since I was in high school. But to be honest, I am very bad at taking care of myself…always have been. I think I need to work on that.
I think it has to do with the balance of my life. Everything’s kind of out of whack still; pieces are settling but it will take time for everything to fall into place. School is good for me though; it will get me into more of a routine, and it will keep me focused on the future. And it will occupy my mind. AND I get to be creative.
I am really digging Jason Walker’s music lately. It’s kind of sad, but it’s soothing, and it calls to a certain part of my soul.
"Down" and "What If I Told You" and "You Fill My Heart" are the only ones I currently have, but I have a feeling I’ll be downloading more. His voice is amaze-balls.
Tonight is the work party. I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing with that yet. I don’t really feel like drinking; I’ve been under the influence of too many substances in the past few weeks in order to distance myself from reality (and have fun). I don’t really like that. I’m stronger and better than that. I’ve really been considering living a totally sober life. Who needs hangovers and non-control over oneself and money-wasting? Not me. Once again, I’m stronger than that.
I’ve been lacking self-discipline and boundaries lately, and that needs to get fixed too. Maybe I’m trying too hard to fix things but….if it’s for the better, who’s to complain?
Shortly I’m going to leave for my parents’ house, which will be empty. I need to do laundry and work on my homework. And the quiet serenity of a space I am 100% familiar and comfortable with should ease my anxiety about life and put me in a more positive mindset toward myself and others.
The guilt is fading a little bit, which is nice. I think having a long talk with Colin on Saturday helped me with it. I can’t afford to drown in the past when the present and future are so beautiful, and full of opportunity for enlightenment and happiness.
I am recognizing my own strength…and that things take time. Instant gratification is a joke. And I am not overly sad or frustrated or angry or guilt-ridden….they are just flashes of feeling through my veins from time to time. Most of the time, I am laughing and happy. I don’t have to pretend to feel things I don’t, and I don’t have to pretend that what I feel is less than what it is. Sometimes I will get knocked down, brought to my knees by feelings powerful enough to break me, but for each time I fall, I will stand up again.
I refuse to let fear own my life. It has taken enough years away from me. I will not fear abandonment, I will not fear commitment, I will not fear failure, I will not fear the unknown/change. And even so, I will always try to "feel the fear, and do it anyway". That’s what I did when I kissed life as I knew it goodbye a few weeks ago, and look at me, I didn’t fucking explode or die, so I’m going to keep doing it. Because it’s rewarding, satisfying, even when there are bad feelings and apprehension mixed in.
It’s nearly 8, so it’s time to get started with my day. Oh Monday, here we go again. <3
Love,
Amanda
P.s. I am making more of my entries public. Dustin does know of my diary, but I don’t think he’ll choose to read it, because it would be painful. But if, on the other hand, he does decide to read it….that is his choice, and thus he is responsible for his own frustration/pain at my words. I am open, I can achieve vulnerability and survive any breaches of privacy. I’m not fucking afraid of his opinion of me; he said he’s never going to come back/be in my life….so what difference does it make? Read it all; I care not.