Extra Thoughts

We signed the lease today. I had micro-butterflies brewing in my stomach, but Dustin’s face looked lined with worry. He will always have worry lines, I just know it. But we signed it and it was a victorious moment, just uncharted territory and a big change. Phew, at least that’s done. 3 weeks until we can get the keys and start moving.

Steady feet, don’t fail me now.

I feel all weepy lately. Must be all the changes in conjunction with my stupid hormones. For example, sometimes I’ll be driving to work and listening to a song that never bothered me before, and suddenly my vision will blur with tears. WTF, body? I think I’m just under a lot of pressure right now, like I said. Not only am I moving, but work is particularly stressful this time of year, and my brother & nephew are moving in (in August hopefully), and I’m still dealing with the past although quite a bit less now. I’ve been smoking about a pack a day, which is ridiculous. I bought a carton last Thursday and I have 4 packs left. It was supposed to last me at least 2 weeks. *SIGH*

Suddenly I am faltering. My steps, so sure and stubborn before, seem more wobbly, my brow furrows more easily with doubt. I am not unsure of Dustin or the direction my life is taking, but I am always wondering if I’m missing out, if I’m neglecting things, if I am truly letting go of the past. I feel scared, and a little broken. This is the part where you take a deep breath, smile, and remember that courage comes from facing fear, not the absence of it.

I’ll be OK.
Deep breaths.

Love,
Amanda