Everything and Nothing At All

I am so easily disillusioned and petrified that it’s making me feel sick inside. I set myself up for letdowns… and the angry hurricane that is me does nothing but suck the vitality out of everything around it. Physically, this drains me. The constant, rampaging anger…the salty dry tear drops. I feel like I’m in quicksand except with no hero to pull me out. Because the truth is…there are no heroes in life. You gotta fight for yourself.

I just don’t know if I have that will anymore.

I am riding the current because I am too weak and tired and sad to fight it anymore. I let myself float away, let the depression soak in, and find only futility when trying to halt my soul-numbing anger. I’m giving up, giving in. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just so…so…so tired. I can barely find the strength to laugh, or…even cry. I let the days and the weeks melt on by, unnoticed. The stars don’t look pretty anymore, and the sky is a dull, flat, unimaginative blue. I smell no sweet grass; I only feel the February wind biting at my frozen fingers.

I could sleep for a week straight. I don’t know why but either way, I don’t have the strength to fight it. No one sees me slipping, and I don’t want them to. I just want to slip away, and one day, people will wonder where I am…by then, I’m sure I won’t have a clue anymore.

I don’t want to make this sound desperate or pathetic, but I just…I don’t even have the strength to write properly anymore. I barely have the strength to think. I’m shutting down slowly. Losing steam. I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing.

Maybe I’m shrinking inside myself to recharge. I don’t know. I’m so lost. I am so incredibly lost. And for once, I’m done trying to find my way home…wherever that really is.

Amanda.