Droplets on the Keyboard

I am sniffling, but not because of my cold.
Reminscing always makes me feel so bereft, but I never relax my obsession of the past. I force out my thoughts with the present, with fun, with current happiness, but they always come back to haunt me. I still feel like I will never be whole. The love of the surrounding people is palpable, and there is always a helping hand close by. So why do I feel so…bereft?

You were my comfort in the dark, or so you said, so long ago. Now, I have a new comfort in the dark. I have my contentedness, my day-to-day cure, my forehead kisses, and the best alternative I could ever ask for. But at what price? I have sacrificed my soul in order to procure it. I have bottled and bottled, forced aside feelings, stomped out the candle of soul-contentment. I am only happy in the barest sense of the world. I have him, I have the whole damn world…but i am still empty, I am still alone.

I wonder if this feeling will ever go away. I wonder at what price true happiness comes. I wonder if my toes will ever truly touch the ground. Most of all, I wonder when red will stop symbolizing peace, when scattering skin cells will stop representing relief.

So tired of this circle in which tears and laughter are all relative,
where storms melt away just as quickly as they come.
Unstable,
Amanda.