disregard these words written in weakness.

Today is a day for grieving.
I wish it wasn’t so, but the salt has made dozens of winding trails on my face.
My eyes are fucking bloodshot.
And I am submerging it below the surface, because this is the kind of pain that no one needs to see except for me.
It is pain bourne of weakness, of futility.

Reaching for things that have long since departed.
I will need to learn to make my own calm, my own warmth, my own stability.
I guess I’m just a tiny ball of fear today.

I don’t want to face anything anymore.
Not right now.
No, I want to sink into the carpet.

I guess the invincibility has departed.

I should have never downloaded that song, because it dredges up memories of driving on 175 on a Monday, to get my car from work. The day I didn’t want to drive home from work because of the snow so he picked me up. He’d made a mix cd and I know it was for me, I knew it once I heard the opening chords of "Behind Those Eyes" by 3 Doors Down.

That’s when I think I finally realized I was killing him.
From the inside out, in small doses.
Probably for years.

Maybe everyone was right when they said that I was dead weight, a disease.
Perhaps I am made of pestilence.
I kill the ones that get close to me.

I want to private this entry but I won’t.
Because this is who I am.
And I am allowed to grieve, or to wonder, or to doubt myself.
At least sometimes.

Transitions are not perfect roads of beautiful,
they are winding trails of pitfalls, melancholy, and upheaval.
I’m not going to pretend otherwise.

In a few hours I will be smiling,
it’s just that my soul needs to explode for a little bit.
I can’t hold this all inside.

I wrote an entry earlier, a letter, I finally had the guts.
A letter that will never see the light of day, but no matter.
It is therapeutic for me.

My entry is separating itself into lines of three without my knowledge.
What does that mean?
Something, most likely.

I guess this grief wells up in me after I’ve had a really good day,
because I guess somewhere in me, I feel guilty as hell.
How can my life be exploding with such happiness, love, when I don’t deserve a goddamn ounce of it?

Hmm… now that’s something to ponder.
I feel less chaotic and broken now.
Work is soon, I must go.

Love,
Amanda

Halcyon

February 20, 2013

I’ll try to go in order. ;x What majors? I had to leave college til I found a good one myself. Aye, you and I will thoroughly disagree on uncaring characters. I’ve lived it, and still partially live it; I give what other people almost no consideration unless it is rational and useful. Which isn’t really caring about them, it’s just using them as a potential information sponge which I can…

…squeeze to further my own agenda. But that’s me, sociality has never clicked for me and likely never will, at least in a typical normal way. Like now, I do EMT work because I view it as right, a body that’s busted up is not a body that is right, not because I care about any of the patients or their well-being. I might act that way because it’s helpful in getting their bodies back in order,

they let you do things to them if they trust you and think you care, but it’s not because I care at all, it’s just to get them to agree so I can fix them to where they need to be. Does that make sense? The focus here is not caring what they think or say, not even on a surface sense, the focus is on whether or not I’m legally able to do something to said patient.

And before Kate (an ex of mine), there really wasn’t anyone I got attached to in a way that I truly cared what they said or thought. It was just information parsing in the rare cases I respected them enough to use them as information sponges. You dunnae have to care about people to function well. Like I think I said before, I actually functioned better caring about no one, lol.

Now I do care about a handful of worthwhile people and I’ve been working at being a more socially adept individual instead of just saying what’s accurate and calling out inaccuracies all the time. Hah, I’ve come a long way from that. ^____^ 3. Of course. Maybe you felt compelled to respond because of my dashing good looks? *supersexy pose* Psh-ah !

Andddd you shouldnae say such things unless you want me to fall in love with you. That’s all sticky and gross, as things go.

Oh oh oh, also, I’m a 1 3 8.

February 21, 2013

I wonder if a 183 and a 164 can get along? I won’t work on convincing you….this time! ^__^ Have you considered a more active, significantly involved career like EMT? We need more people! =D You can often get a station to sponsor you because a ton of us really need people. Mine paid for my training provided I work for a year with them at at least 24/hours (a single shift) a month.

I dunno where you’re at, but I find it a lot more interesting and just plain useful to be doing it. It’s a lot more rewarding than working at a gas station, as a cook or a hotel front desk clerk, let me tell you. Go ahead and bookmark me and stalk all you like. I like stalkers! Well. The non-insane ones. You’re not insane are you? *peers at you* I like OD a lot too.

Also, this is for you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojYK6CW8gdw

oo, and this one too ;x http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQeeQjdU2Bk

anythingbutlove

^^ da hell, who is this bro? :O also, you will be okay. stop martyring yourself. love you