Disgusting

You and I are the smoke coming off the ashes of cigarettes that spark in the summer air rushing past my car. It’s sunset and my teeth are on edge.
I will always end up the best of the best.
I drowned in the challenges your steel brown eyes screamed at me. My words were softly spoken, in order to caress the wounds you swear you don’t carry. Over Caesar Salad and your Butter Burger, we calmly discussed why and how you currently disgust me with your raucous behavior. You remain a mountain that’s immovable, but I’m considering the possibility of you being an anthill. My heart tugs as your eyes draw me in to your new world….there’s nothing brave about it. I briefly see the image of a rooster puffing its chest out and want to giggle. I hold my breath instead; it’s easier to consider you against fall leaves instead of the harsh summer sunlight.
We mince words and I sound pathetic as I am lighting up another cigarette. Some things are still the same; the way you answer my mother when she addresses you, the cocky smile, the line of your hair against your forehead. The difference is your heart, which must be turning blue with the vice grip you have on it, your iron fist. I smile sweetly as my mind races. Inside my own head, I am flitting through memories that seem more fragile and innocent now. You seem leisurely and I can’t tell what you really mean about anything you’re saying. A stoic brick in front of me, I cannot reach inside and I am growing more desperately agitated as I fight to keep my lungs full of only air. Air and smoke. That’s all we feel like now.
And after I made myself look disgustingly pathetic and weak last night, I have to reconsider these steps I am taking. I don’t need you but now it is a simple matter of pride. I have shown you that you have the power to crush me with but a flick of the finger, so now I have to outdo you. I am faster, crazier, and more adept to win than you are. And I always will be. Now it’s time to prove it. I am but playing your game, you just don’t know it yet. I can be patient, I can bide my time.
You have pushed me as far as I can go, to the very fallible point of insanity. Now I will push your buttons, only in a much more clever way, until you have nowhere to go but down….or maybe back up, considering your current state.
I just wanna break you down so badly; I trip over everything you say. I just wanna break you down so badly, in the worst way.
Love,
Amanda

p.s. Maybe I’m being crazy, but this unspoken challenge (of pure immaturity and lunacy) is the one thing keeping me from putting my head through a wall. I haven’t been so excited in months.

p.p.s. it’s not the cards in your hand, but how you play them.