Delicate & Suspended

Nothing is particularly full of sense right now, as I am trying to get my ethical bearings, my moral grasp on the proverbial cliff. I just can’t…understand, or take any of this anymore. Because I am pushed to the edge, hanging on by my teeth.
I cannot be friends with him if he doesn’t tell her he’s hanging out with me. He is essentially lying to her, just as he lied to me, and I can’t be a part of it. I know how much it hurt when he told me how much pot he smoked when we were together, lying to me about it for months and months. Why would I smile and encourage him to do the same to her, even if I selfishly want part of his soul for myself? Maybe he’ll just find something else to lie about; either way, I won’t be a part of it. I am starting to find my niche and I can’t sit here and be ensconced in pity for him, drowning under the weight of his gaze and the sheer power of his sort-of dependence on me. No, I refuse.
I am in too good of a place. I am in a place where Dustin loves me unconditionally, and we fight, but it is always petty and overlooked with laughter. I am in a place where I spend time at Webbs, talking to Ashley about everything/anything, without noticing that 4 hours has passed and we both have to rush home. I am in a place where my best friend comes to me for advice about her boyfriend, and then we go from store to store, reminiscing about middle school. I am in a place that is delicate and suspended, but nevertheless, comforting to me. And I will not let it be quashed by some ogre’s over-indulgence in lying. No, not happening.
Of course I still care about him, and want him to be happy. But it seems like the more I hang out with him, the more his flaws rub me the wrong way (although we go weeks at a time without seeing each other). It seems like every idiotic, under-informed thing he says, every action that screams volumes about his lack of character, makes me realize how lucky I am to have jumped that ship eons ago.
And now, I need to get my ship tattoo soon….I am getting antsy. And Arizona, my long coveted vacation, is less than a week away.
I don’t mean to give the impression that I am totally unhappy, for I’m not. It’s just that Brandon’s presence stunts my inner-growth and scrapes greedily against my nerves–like it has for the past two years–and I need to get away from that to reclaim myself.
So I gave him an ultimatum–"Tell her now, or I refuse to be your friend until she’s gone".

Most awkward, all my situations,
Amanda.

"There’s so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me…" – Death Cab For Cutie