Defining Change

I am listening to "Bittersweet Symphony" and my window is open and twilight looked so strange today, it was like a yellow veil was thrown over the street I am too used to viewing. I am contemplative today, earlier I was angry because I hate being forced to give things up, especially people, and I resent Dustin for it though I shouldn’t. Sometimes I wonder if Brandon thinks of me but I tell myself it doesn’t matter anyway and take a deep breath and focus on my life, because that’s what’s important, not surface commitments to those brown eyes that are not unlike mine.

i’m dedicated to the fact that it’s so hard for you to dream; a million heartbeats all around you make it hard to sleep.

I am struck and held by the idea that I need to be better. Something needs to change; on Tuesday I blamed Dustin for stagnancy. I’m always blaming him for my faults, or the faults that are no one’s fault at all. It’s hard when I feel trapped, forced to walk in the direction I am because of results that could, and should, commence at a later point. I have all these silly thoughts about how I am going to change, and yet I wake up the next day and nothing changes. I do nothing to bring about the changes. I let myself slip up before any change can begin.

I feel polarized a lot of the time, resentful of my friends for not being there, but when they call on me, I am anything but happy to see them and I’d rather be alone. I feel like no one is giving me what I want lately, but the thing is that I can’t define WHAT I want. Maybe I’m just over-analyzing all the time (others make life seem so effortless, so happy).

I know I can do this. I just have to try.

Love,
Amanda

I adore that song. Change is hard to implement. I think it’s better to throw out your grandiose dreams and instead focus on doing things differently in each moment. And when you slip up, to not beat yourself up about it, but try again. I feel a lot like all of what you wrote lately. But I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: You got this. You really do. <3

ryn: Nope, no doubt whatsoever 😛 That would be SO AWESOME! For some reason I’m not surprised that’s what you think of too… We seem to be on the same wavelength a lot. I love how you said you need to make sure we’re not creepy stalkers and then said that you’re creeping through my old entries lol ;P

ryn: It is interesting… I read back sometimes and am just like… O.o I admit I did read some of your older entries too though, so we’re even 😛 That’s just because you’re an old soul! Or just really way more mature than most people your age. I don’t go bar hopping really, so we’re cool on that front. You should just move closer! Problem solved.