Declivity

I could have driven forever.
There were flippant speckles of rain splashing on my windshield. The air was sweetly warm, rushing in through an open car window. My car purred beneath my fingertips, running on it’s one eighth tank of gas. I felt melancholy wash through me and wanted to cry, needed to cry, but I couldn’t. My tears would have no purpose, but that’s not why I couldn’t cry. It felt like the gravity was pulling the tears deep inside me, just as the sadness was burning into my bone marrow. Sometimes I like to think its tainted.
I don’t know when sunny laughter and squeals of joy dissolved into contemplation and a painful, thrumming heart. I have too much energy, but not the right kind… I am distressingly restless. The world is growing colder here in my hometown, and my heart is never far behind, is it? There are so many different palettes of emotion running through me, some of which I don’t dare identify. People who should understand, and have understood in the past, don’t seem to align with me quite right anymore. I feel like my entire world has been turned on its axis, and I don’t know whether to fight or go with it. Today, selfishly, I feel as if the world is out to devour my soul.
Every ounce of happiness has been snatched out from under me today. My hopes crest only to plummet indefinitely. Promises shatter, warm happiness sours, blinking eyes speak of false exhaustion to hide the pain. It is nothing big, no, never that. It is always the most odd and infinitesimal things that get to me and break my soul. When it comes to something big, I hold together, steadfast and immovable.
Oh, god, what am I today? I am an ever changing climate that by nightfall, guaranteed, will melt into a puddle of self-loathing and incrimination. And there is nothing, nothing in this world, that I hate more than an optimist at this present moment.
Slipping,
Amanda