decisive

 It’s just after one thirty and I should be asleep because I need to be up at quarter to eight to go to the gym with Jen.
But instead I’m here, battling wave after wave of emotion.
When did I become so emotionally fragile?
I guess deep down I always was, I was just really good at hiding it, and I had a lot less to lose.

Suddenly I am overflowing with anxiety and misgiving.
It was because I sat at the bar table in the basement with Andria and Kari, and in response to "be optimistic" I said, "I accept my fate either way."
Crossing paths with him only 45 minutes later was a true testament to the opposite of that being true.

I guess I’ve decided my waiting period is over, and I’m quickly implementing the necessary steps.
Because time does not matter in this case; it’s who I am now vs who I was for years.
It’s what I’ve done vs the potential of what I could do.
It’s facts vs a bunch of words meant to instill belief.
The odds are stacked against me, my past is working against me, and the forces surrounding the issue are not free-thinking.
I only have hope at this point, and perhaps the backing of fate.

Everything happens for a reason, what is meant to be will be,
and I am trying to hold onto that, no matter what.
But I just can’t wait anymore. Waiting won’t change the facts, or the outcome.
I need to know. I need to know so I can move forward.

Keep in mind that, right now, all I’m striving for is a face-to-face conversation (to bring clarity and closure) and some sort of decision regarding whether or not he still believes in us. That’s all. Not looking for a relationship, or even a functional friendship….at least not right now.
But I’m not going to sit here and nurture false hope if there is no hope to be had.
I’m not going to sit here and drown in the silence, the anxiety, the not-knowing.
I’m not going to sit here and use it as an excuse to avoid confronting something because I’m afraid of the answer.

I need to move forward, and right now I’m running in place.
I’m sick to death of thinking about it, and I’m sure everyone around me (especially you guys) are tired of hearing about it.
This stagnancy is slowly killing me and it needs to end.

Maybe I can sleep now.

Goodnight.

Love,
Amanda