Consumable

I’m trying really hard to be a ball of gratitude today.
And to motivate myself.

Last Monday, I was feeling very unhappy and basically just laying in a gutter of self-loathing and depression about my environment. So many demands on me, and oh, the struggles, this Year of Struggles. I snapped a little talking to my mom, as she was trying to tell me to stay positive about my job situation and etc. Then decided to go research a bed and ended up buying one, which buoyed my spirits a bit.

Well, my brother also put in my new stereo and I’m in LOVE with it and plan on buying him a bottle of Jose for messing with it for so long (turns out Cavaliers, year 2000+, don’t install as easily as older cars).

Otherwise it’s just been planning for when my sister moves on Friday, I have to help her. And then I need to work at the restaurant, and paint my new room (trading bubblegum pink for a mossy green), and then the next morning my bed comes.

 

 

I guess that I’ve been forcing myself to struggle more than I need to this year.
Losing Dustin for the first half of the year, and feeling like a burden on everyone, was hard.
But I definitely was starting to make a comeback around April, when I started working out and running and thinking positive.

Then we reunited in a flurry of happy-tears, and everything kind of went out the window.

When you’ve been with someone for a number of years, practicing–no, GLORYING IN–poor habits, it really shouldn’t be a surprise when the reuniting becomes a reason to fall back into old choices, even if those choices are partially what brought on the separation in the first place.

But as much as I love him to pieces, this isn’t about him.

 

No, this is about me.
I’ve given up on working out, haven’t been there since the beginning of July.
I’m smoking a pack a day.
I’ve amassed an unearthly amount of debt (after I supposedly "learned my lesson" when I was broke as hell for most of Spring).
I’m still as crabby and ungrateful and selfish and cynical and ridiculous as I always was.

 

That needs to change. I want it to change.

And so, it will change.
I just need to stop being lazy and freaking apply myself to the tasks.

 

The first thing I want to do is quit smoking.
Man, it’s hard. I’ve tried numerous times with no success as of yet.
But I refuse to quit trying.
And at work, our campus is finally going non-smoking as of Sept. 1.
So, I need to quit. And I need to do it now.
I think I am going to try the patches one last time. it’s a bitch in summer because of sweating, yes.
But it is readily available.

I wanted to try Chantix but don’t have the time to make an appointment right now. Busy week ahead and all that.

 

I’ve had several epiphanies as of late, but I never write them down, and I feel like that makes me doomed to repeat past mistakes
I need to start writing them down.

I need to start doing a lot of things, but…one thing at a time.

 

I’ve already decided that, for Christmas, i’m going to ask for "consumables" — I use that term loosely.
I don’t want to amass a bunch of crap when I’ve worked so hard to declutter.
I want things like candles (especially Ocean scented… love it), spa gift certificates (or other places), food/drinks/booze, etc.
Or let’s just go out for dinner, or have a lunch date, or get a drink, in lieu of exchanging gifts.
Things that are useful, take up little to no space, and isn’t just accumulated junk in the spirit of Consumerism Christmas.
 

 

Bah, I’m rambling.

 

Much love to all