Chasing Calm/Zen

Chasing zen. Searching adamantly for it. Sometimes I can feel emotions rolling beneath my skin and I hate the feeling.
I dislike a lot of my feelings these days, but who could blame me?
Everything in me is screaming for a calm place to rest my soul.
But I have to keep trudging, my hat pulled low over my ears to avoid the trickle of rain down my neck.
Because that kind of rain sends a chill shooting straight down your spine.

And I can’t have outer zen, because basically Matt also lives here now, he’s over at least five times a week.
And I don’t mind him, really, I don’t….but we’re cramming three people into a one bedroom apartment the size of a closet.
Exaggeration, but that’s what it feels like.
Naturally, I get the couch.
I tend to disappear from this location a lot, driving to my parents’ or to Colin’s or sometimes I just get into my car,
which is my only sanctuary, and I drive.
Doesn’t do wonders for my gas tank, but who am I to complain?

I am suffering, but it doesn’t matter.
I must be the one to pull myself out.
Once the universe cooperates with me a bit more, that is.

This sounds curiously "woe is me"…I didn’t intend that.
I am just trying to keep myself under an emotional balance.
I’m afraid that it’s going to make me resentful, though.
I do channel a lot of resentment, being a One and all.

I guess I need to work on the whole,
"realizing that other people will do things you don’t like, & you need to let it go because you cannot control them"
thing.
(zenhabits.net/gah/)

And I need to find peace in my mind and body, at least that’s what i keep getting told.
how am i supposed to do that?
i am made of tension, the tendency to be high-strung!
so i tried to, this morning…

instead of emotion vomiting,
I lit a candle, something that calms me, or at least it did when I was in Theresa.
D and I would light like 10 candles, he felt it was slightly weird for a guy to do so but he said,
"it calms me"
and it was then that I realized that, holy shit,
It calms me too.

And I’m listening to Lifehouse, which is usually pretty calming for me.
And I am sipping coffee, mindfully.
And I think I am going to single-task today.
I’m not really sure.

I try to remember what I did before I moved out of my parents’…
And I remember I had my room.
And I would go in there.
And I would take a deep breath, and read, or listen to music, or play video games.
And shut the external world out.

Ever feel like you’re fighting a losing battle?
And you just keep fighting, and fighting, but you’re gaining no ground?
But there are so many people cheering for you that you’d hate to let them down,
so you keep fighting, even though you’re battered and bloody and the spirit is leaving your blows?
And all you really want to do is put down your arms and lay on the ground for awhile,
perhaps in the mud, dozens of raindrops collecting on your sweat-soaked skin?
But you don’t? Because you can’t?
Because to give up would mean that you would be beaten.
So as tired and drained and lifeless as you are,
you put up your fists, stand your ground, and keep on fighting.

Some days are better than others,
and I am terrible at relaxing,
but I’m alive.

Love,
Amanda

P.S.
I dropped a class.
I haven’t yet had the opportunity to speak to my parents.
And I feel like my patience is wearing very very thin in regard to my living situation.
I’ve never been good at "waiting", and "allowing", so fuck you, High Priestess.

I’ve been dealt this hand for a reason.