Catching Up

I am so incredibly unstable and unsure, like a glass globe held in warm hands, at the greatest risk of being dropped. I feel so small and infinitesimal in the still of summer nights in this quiet city. My life seems like it is crashing around me, like I am crushing branches beneath my shoes because I thought they were twigs.
I feel like I am straining my mind in order to understand my own motives and my own feelings. Just when I think I have things all figured out, like I’m slipping into the "norm", I get thrown back into a state of confusion so intense I can hardly breathe. All this change is making my skin crawl. I want to settle into something, something comfortable that I don’t have to explain. Something like piano notes and violins all the time, on a bed of autumn leaves near a stream, with an ivory sweater and a warm scarf and really great shoes, and the feeling of laughter exploding like champagne bubbles. I’m not sure if that’s a lot for someone like me to ask for.
I want to glow again, like I used to. I feel like my pilot light’s out and the North star is hidden by clouds and life is whirling past me so fast that I don’t even have a second to walk on steady feet or grab at something with nervous laughter. I don’t want to feel the forced, stressful emotions of guilt and pain and confusion. I want to breathe easy and rest peacefully.
I understand that life doesn’t wait for the individual, but I don’t know if I have the confidence to catch up.

Love
Amanda.