but the wall is so tall

i am a ball of stress and anxiety.
at work today, I couldn’t get my mind to stop,
so I cleaned out the top and bottom alto shams….
……..and the hotbox.
Scrubbed until it shined, til I got a headache from the fumes.
Didn’t help with the thoughts much but helped me expend my energy a little.

I put on a smiling face for everyone today.
Tried to pull myself out of this hole, but then little things get to me.

Got to hear a lot about wedding planning today and I wanted to throw myself into a concrete wall.
But I smiled and nodded instead, even as a sick feeling bubbled in my chest.

Kari gave me a hug today.
She knows what’s been on my mind.

I’m trying really hard to enjoy my last two weeks at the restaurant.
And it sucks because I’m so distracted by everything else that I can’t.
I need to shove it aside but I don’t know how.

I need to go for a run.
I would have tonight but I was asked to stop out for a drink instead, so I did,
and besides, it’s cold, and I have to be up at 8:30.

excuses.

My dad should be giving me an oil change tomorrow.
I got one at the end of January.
I’m at 6,000 miles.

You know, I’m not really proving that I’m an adult.
Haven’t been for awhile.
I guess I should start.

My brother made me smile today when he said I could play his XBOX (he bought it today) if he was at work or something.
But in the same moment I almost broke down into tears.

I haven’t laughed or smiled genuinely in days.
I guess because nothing is funny.

I will call the lady for the interview on Monday.
Set it up for Thursday.

I need to get out the door and just walk, if nothing else.
I have all this energy and nowhere to put it.

What happens if I fail?
The only thought running through my mind at all times.
And the realization of that fear is so possible…probable, actually,
that I want to give up right now and avoid the pain all together.
But no.
You fight. You keep fighting until there’s a reason to stop.

I feel so fragile and alone.
And the worst part is that I know that I could end that feeling here and now.
Using all of my tactics of old.
But I am going to break this cycle, or it’s going to have to kill me.

God I’m no fun anymore.

Love,
Amanda