because you’re sad [NoJoMo #17]

Dear you,
I know tonight was quite different from any other. I’m glad that you decided to open up to me about what was on your mind, instead of evading my questions, as you usually do. I am truly sorry that I brought the subject up in the first place, because if I hadn’t, your mood would not have taken a nosedive. I wish I could’ve helped you more than I did, but I think what I did was enough. I cannot identify with what you’ve gone through in your life, because I do have a father, and I don’t know what I would’ve done in life without him. I can’t believe that you think you’ll be weaker if you think about the fact that your father was never a part of your life. As I said to you: that doesn’t make you weak, that makes you human. You have a lot in your life to be sad about, which makes me feel like a jackass for venting earlier. For what it’s worth, you ARE a wonderful human being, and you did just fine "raising yourself". People think you’re gay, your best friend’s a jackass, and your home life is about as fun as dancing in a box full of steel-tipped darts…but none of that matters to you on a day-to-day basis. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you manage to be happy. I don’t know how you manage to push your feelings aside so that you can fufill your sunshine-y role. You need to vent, my dear. None of that makes you less of a man in the least, and it makes me sad that you believe that it does. I love you.

I hope that it was enough that I came inside, and we laid down wordlessly on your bed, our limbs wrapped around each other. We laid there for quite some time, in silence; your chin on my head as if trying to transfuse my serenity into yourself, and me, running my fingers delicately over your arm.

I feel like a jackass now. I have red staining through to my very soul because of early morning anger and helplessness. I, of all people, felt alone. I curled up in my bed hours before you showed up and cried and cried and cried, because there was nothing else I could do. I felt that whenever I tried to help anyone, I was shut out completely. And then there came tonight. I feel guilty because I vented my anger on my own body, while you’ve bottled feelings deep inside, for years, that no one has heard about, except for me. Why you decided to open up to me, on this night, is a mystery. But I am forever grateful for it. For once, I am needed. For once, I am not the one blindly searching….I am the steady hand. For once, I am more than some petty idiot that needs someone close at all times….instead, I am the strength and the comfort. As much as I hate what you’re going through, it gives me purpose. Purpose to help you. Purpose to be the first to listen, the first to care, the first to let you know that your existence counts for something. And there is, I’m sure, no greater pleasure in this world.

My sunshine, my love,
Amanda