Attention

Paying attention.
It’s one of the things I’ve managed to do more of this year. I really think it’s an integral part of becoming a better person and living a happier life. 
Because it’s so regrettably easy to pay attention to very little.
It’s easy to zone out in front of the computer or TV. It’s easy to skip the introspection about why we do the things we do, or think the things we think, or feel the way we feel. It’s easy to drink a lot of alcohol and do a bunch of drugs to distance ourselves from reality. Why? Because it feels easier….and we think it makes us feel better. Yeah, it is easier, because bad habits take a long time to kill. But it doesn’t make us feel better.
Or, at least that’s how I think about it.

For a long time, I had a bad attitude. Most of it stemmed from "The Dark Years", as my dad called them — the teenage years of angst and striving for independence. I am naturally cynical and that was exacerbated by the stress of growing up. I was very angry and hurt due to uncontrollable circumstances of my family life. I was "emo" — cutting myself and writing dark poetry and idly thinking of ways to escape "my shitty life". I was very, very lost for a long time.

After awhile, I started to tell myself that my personality was unchangeable, and yeah, maybe I actually LIKED it, and I was OWNING it. I was sarcastic, rude, outspoken, and rebellious. I did whatever I wanted without fear of consequences. I was stubborn to a fault and very argumentative. And I told myself that that was just ME.

But I don’t think it ever was. It was my shield, and the way I reacted to my environment. My slogan was, "the world hurt me so I will hurt it back" — but really I was just hurting myself. Because I’ve always had low self-esteem and it has taken many years (and probably many more) to unearth why, exactly, that is.

I convinced myself that I wanted to be unhappy – that I deserved it. I convinced myself that I was perfectly fine being distant, unapproachable, and stubborn. But I never was.

I have spent the last several years jumping ship from one relationship to another. Dropping my friends out of spite and reacquiring them out of guilt. Tormenting the people who really loved me by acting like I didn’t love them, unless they were about to walk out the door. And somewhere along the way, especially after Brandon — whose departure, for some reason, was my catalyst — I decided that THAT SHITTY LIFE wasn’t good enough anymore. My "personality" wasn’t good enough anymore.

And I started to change. Reading self-help books, perusing blogs, listening to better music, taking better care of myself, treating others better.

Trust me– I am not perfect in any of those regards. I don’t read up on things as much as I should, I still have a weird penchant for really self-deprecating music, I still don’t take good care of myself, and I don’t always treat others right. But I’m working on it. And that’s more than I can say for a lot of people (condescension not present here; just a pervasive sadness).

And since I discovered ZenHabits (my very favorite blog) back in early 2012, I’ve learned that one of the most important parts of becoming a better person is paying attention.

Paying attention means not being content with "I’m sad"; it means picking up the thread of that feeling and following it back to the roots before it. "I’m sad because work is not like I thought it would be." — still not enough. "I’m sad about work because I haven’t made any work-friends." Better, but still not great. "I’m sad about not making any work friends because I enjoy social contact at work and fear missing out on workplace fun." Even better.

I don’t know, I guess the big thing for me is feelings, kind of the way I stated it above. I have always glossed over my feelings — "I’m mad at you" (Why?) "I DON’T KNOW IM JUST MAD". Or (Why are you crying?) — "BECAUSE I’M STUPID AND A GIRL."
The key for me is to break all of the feelings down, to essentially keep asking myself "but why?" whenever I make a statement about them.

Because I think feelings are key for a lot of people. Because feelings are the base for thoughts, and thoughts are the base for actions. And actions are generally the things that affect how good or bad situations in our life are.

I guess I’m just rambling. But this is just a reminder to myself to pay attention. I’ve already come to far to stop now.

Love.