Aching & Nerve-Wracked
I fell asleep last night, warm IcyHot band around my very sore back, wrapped in two blankets because our air conditioning feels THAT cold. I dreamed, a fairly long dream I would guess. But when my eyes pried themselves open near 10 o’clock, I was so happy because I had smelled him. In my dream. That very pungent scent of cheap, warm laundry detergent mixed with the dry smoke of Camel Menthols that is uniquely HIM. In my dream I had hugged him, my nose buried in his blue-striped dress shirt, and actually smelled him.
And then it hit me that it didn’t really happen.
The scent of him was clear, though…as clear as if he was standing right next to my bed. But he wasn’t. And he’s not going to.
You might as well have hit me with a box of bricks. My disappointment was acute, my heartache renewed. He is not here and he is not going to be. Yes, I know you just smelled him. I know it made you ache to hug him again. But stop it. STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT.
See, what most fail to see is that he’s NOT just an ex-boyfriend. He’s NOT just the dude that complicated my relationship. He’s the guy that was my best fucking friend. Yeah, we had sexual tension, but we were decent at ignoring it. What mattered was that we spoke of things–nothing too deep, mind you—but we spoke of things and relied on each other and mutually enjoyed the time spent in each other’s company. I was always able to text him and meet him at Webbs with Juicy and Holland and we would sit and do crossword puzzles and the Cryptoquip and drink too much Mountain Dew but we would laugh. I ENJOYED THEIR COMPANY IMMENSELY. There was a time a few weeks back when Brandon was driving and I was in the front seat and Juicy was in the back and we were listening to songs of the radio and Brandon & Juicy were screaming them like they were a heavy metal group and I was LAUGHING SO FUCKING HARD that tears were streaming down my cheeks. And they kept laughing because I was snorting but they kept trying to scream the words, even when they forgot the words, and it was hot out but the windows were down and it was 6 pm and life was good.
And now that’s gone too.
So not only did I lose someone who was worth something in a relationship, I lost the person I could tell everything to. The person I could depend on (well, most of the time). The person who would tell me funny stories about Applebees and let me pick the music while we drove (while loudly protesting) and showed up at my house at 1 oclock in the morning and stayed until just after five.
Goddamnit.
Every time I see a silver car I think it’s him even though it never is. My thoughts just torture me. And then I got my waking thoughts under control, able to easily distract myself until I could vent on here, and then distract myself some more. But now this motherfucker is in EVERY SINGLE DREAM I have and it is horrible. It makes me believe he is here with me but then I wake up and realize he’s not and it’s fucking awful. If only I had the power to manipulate dreams.
And so now it’s the waiting game. This is fucking stupid. Fast-forward, please.
Love,
Amanda