Absense

There is an absense of feeling in me, it’s all being drained inevitably away. Sometimes I wonder if I have anything in my chest at all, besides a giant black hole. I’m in so much pain and I wish I could slip into sweet numbness. But of course I can’t. No matter what I do, I am making the wrong choice. No matter what I do, someone gets hurt. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of hurting people before they hurt me. Last night Jon told me that I had to rip down the wall between myself and the world. But I can’t, and won’t. I’m too scared. Terrified. Of falling in love, of getting hurt, of opening my heart up and ditching reasoning. My entire body is pulsing with blood but my brain feels gray and dead. And sometimes I wish I were just that…dead. Certainly this is too much stress for one Wisconsin sixteen year old. All I can do now is put on a smile and try my hardest to laugh and have fun, even though my heart has a deep fissure in it that may never heal. That fissure represents the lack of selflessness, and the truth I want–need– to avoid. Life will never be easy.
<3 Amanda

a happy dancer

June 7, 2008

Open up! There’s no life unless you open yourself up!

afraid of the light

welcome to adulthood. when we find that life is not easy or fair, we can begin to accept that, and be happy in spite of the fact. things dont always go well, but there are always those little moments that help us get through the rough spots. we just have to look close enough to find them. by the way, how’s your pen? till things are brighter. nick.

June 13, 2008

it’s alright about the pen, rome wasnt built in a day. and as far as relationship stuff goes, dont make your choice on trying not to hurt feelings, make your choice on what you want, and what will make you happiest, even if that means flying solo for a while. i think you’re more ready for the grown up thing than you think you are. till things are brighter. nick.

Take it slowly, doll. There’s a reason in you that’s keeping you from opening up fully, and though it might take you awhile to find out whyyou’ll find out, and the wall will fall all on its own.

Hi! I’m adding everyone who has Sims 2 as an interest to my Sims 2 diary. The whole diary is dedicated to the sims. Check it out 🙂