A Wistful Remembrance & Reflection

Once upon a time, I was free. At least I felt that way. I floated as you simmered, as we captured nighttime sparkles and that elusive meaning behind every word we spoke. We laid comfortably in the silence and the darkness, as if our best friend was the warm August night. Softly, our breath escaped us, leaving us barren and exposed. My tears were my bravado cracking down the center, my heart quivering, my soul questioning. Once I thought that all of that meant love, and it did. I loved you, you loved me, but we were not IN love, we were obsessed with our emotions, with each other. The newness faded gently into the summer as the days rolled into September, and the sparks dimmed.
I laid awake many nights that September, pondering, cursing God for a cruel fate. The days kept rolling further and further into the past, putting more distance between the magic I had felt boil my blood. I was upset, nothing could quell my ever-growing desire to be yours, to be a firm stake planted in the middle of your road.
In retrospect, my behavior was pitiful. Some things are too good to be true, but I only thought that until I saw the other side of the fence. It was something infinitely darker, though not completely devoid of magic. To put it simply, I wanted something BECAUSE it would never happen. Giving into my desires only caused the breakaway to be more crushing, but I couldn’t walk away not knowing. I delved into your soul with an eagerness and unquestionable understanding. I wanted to understand, to ease your soul as you had done for me. We were kindred, but the knowledge we have of each other brought us nowhere forward in life. Instead, it created a standstill in life for understanding, like pausing to take a breath and understand. I can only say I cherish those days as surely as I cherish all that I love. I got a glimpse past the aloof exterior, the stoicism and the brave front. It was what I needed at the time.
And it will stay with me always.  What we had was not without its imperfections, but it was honest and beautiful. It strengthened my heart. In present day, "I miss you"s do just fine. It’s hard to relinquish that bond we shared, but I’m not sure if we could ever duplicate it or build on it.
But I regret nothing. Perhaps no one but us will ever understand those warm ribbons of August nights and understanding. You treated me so much differently than anyone else has ever treated me. You appreciated all that I was but pushed me to be more. You didn’t give into my every whim, but nurtured the significance of waiting. You cradled my heart as if it was the most precious jewel, though made it clear you could neither keep it or give up yours. Every drowsy smile, every languid hug, every softly-spoken word of encouragement and understanding helped me find my place. Once I asked you where my place was, and you put my hand on your heart. You asked me if I felt the beating of your heart. I nodded, and you said, "Right here."
Moments like those will stay with me forever. And I could never thank you enough for showing me your soul, as well as my own.
Love always,
Amanda.