A Profundity Unexplainable.

This sense of profundity has been following me around, hitting me when I’m weaving between snow-encrusted cars in the college parking lot, when I’m sprawled on Dustin’s lap speaking of memories, when I’m cloaked in a steaming shower trying to shake off the Wisconsin cold. Everything seems so clear, yet so distorted, like there’s some kind of encoded message in every moment that slips by. A puzzle I’m supposed to figure out.
There are so many feelings at play lately. Love and lust and the constant feeling of "I’ve been here/seen this/felt this before" around Dustin. Sympathy and nostalgia and rage and love and confusion around Brandon. Love and the irrepressible need to understand Ashley, to climb inside her head until I am pleasantly lost, working hard to recover. The urge to keep Nick close to me, to push him away, to reclaim the profundity I had with him, to bury myself before I am shattered by pain. The need to tie up the loose ends of my family, to tuck them away before they hurt themselves or each other again. I am so steeped in feelings that I cannot begin to control, to reign in, to halt.
Right now I crave intimacy…I crave REAL feelings. Feelings are something that bury themselves in your bloodstream, confuse themselves in every muscle, breath, thought. Irritation, stress, crippling headaches….these things are make believe, not real, and unceasing. I want to dig beneath the swirl of feelings to discover something. I want to FEEL a certain way but I’m not sure what way that is. I suppose it’s intimacy.
I want to watch someone, see their face change, feel their feelings shift. I want to touch them and feel the exchange of pure energy. I want to say something and watch their eyes darken in confusion, and then lighten in knowledge. I want to pour my feelings into their hands and have them cup it like it’s the most precious thing in the world. I want them to say something so profoundly intriguing, something crammed so full of magic and significance that it makes tears prick my eyes and my soul rearrange itself in the shell of my body. I want to emotionally exhaust myself, so there is nothing left to think or feel. I just want to BE, and I want to drink it in and cradle it and write volumes about it.
I need to feel a change like that right now.
I want to really live.

Love,
Amanda

"When it’s gone…what will you say? How do we hold on?"