A Photograph Is Proof

You can tell how I’ve changed by just looking at the pictures in my photo album. You can just see it in my face – the way my smile looks, and the look in my eyes.
See, when I was a little kid (elementary school & 6th grade) you can tell I was taking pictures just for the exhilaration. I LOVED taking pictures of myself, and just having my photograph taken in general. I was always happy & hyper-looking. It was just a great snapshot of what kind of kid I was – happy, always happy and hyper… not caring if the whole world was watching, and not caring what the other kids thought… I was focused on just being a kid – happy as can be.
Then, you look at my 7th grade photographs. I was starting to have a plastered on smile, or focused more on looking serious. In most of those pictures, they aren’t random moments… they are just stiff, but informal pictures.
Then, from the time I was best friends with Emily (7th grade summer-8th winter) I was happy again. I was completely and utterly giddy at all points. We’d grab a camera at any given time and just take random pictures of each other. Some were posed, but they were informal i-just-decided-to-sit-here-like-this-right-now pictures. In most, if not all of them, I am smiling. I felt as if the world couldn’t be better.
Then, you look at all the pictures after she decided we shouldn’t be friends anymore. I’m frowning again… I’m looking serious again. Again with the fake plastered smiles and all.
Emily rubbed off on me as I did her. She became more negative, and thus our friendship ended. But I forgot to see how her optimism rubbed off on me. She made me learn how to smile just because you could… just because you had today to live. Even if you were sad, just smile, not to cover up your sadness, but just because you’re alive.
I naturally smile a lot, but often at the wrong times. I’ll smile when I’m crying. I’ll smile when I’m more pissed off than anything. Smiling is part of me, just like an arm or a leg.
And oh, how I long to just be content again. How I long to stop worrying, and crying, and feeling horrible about my life.
Thought ended.
<3 amanda