3

Day Zero Project

Dear Dustin,
It’s nearly 2 in the morning, just over two months since we broke up for good.
It’s funny when I write "for good" because, to be honest, I don’t really believe it.
Or at least I don’t want to.

I miss you like hell.
It’s like I have this breath pent up in me,
and each day that passes, the more tense my body gets,
just holding in that breath.
Waiting to exhale — waiting for you to walk through the door
and tell me this was all a horrible dream.
To wrap me up inside your arms and make everything else disappear.
Like you’ve done so many other times before.

I was such a fucking idiot to let you go.
To get up and walk out the door like nothing was good enough.
And maybe it wasn’t good enough, but right now, it feels like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I’ll never find anyone else even close to all the wonderful things you are.

Colin and I got in another fight tonight.
He is nothing like you.
Not even close.
Right now, I’m not sure if it’s worth it.

Maybe I really should be on my own for awhile.
A long while.

Because this heartbreak and grief is swallowing me whole.

Another one of those days where I wish I would just die.
So I wouldn’t have to live with the mistakes that are choking the oxygen from my body.

That’s honesty.
Only you truly ever saw the real me, and accepted it without question.
I love you so fucking much.

Where the fuck am I now?
Lost, wandering, and broken.

Love,
Amanda