Tipsy Tamara’s Mind Chatter R18+

For some damned reason my iPad wasn’t allowing me to enter text into the actual diary field. Fucker. Warning: there is no doubt going to be a lot of swearing in this entry — you have been forewarned.
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Tomorrow it would have been the 4th year that Chris and I started dating. 4-years later, he’s still fucking married and I continue to allow myself to be sweet talked by his fucking worthless words. Horray! I rock!!!

Why the hell do I keep doing the same fucking thing expecting a different outcome with him? Why? What is wrong with me? Am I so inherently broken and fucked up I keep getting into this same bullshit with him? Really Tammy? I mean, really? I know he’s not good for me, he is a fucking liar, selfish and broken way beyond my repair. I keep telling him to stop fucking contacting me while he’s still married and living in that fucking house with his fucked up wife. Seriously, boggles my mind, she does. Why then, when he refuses to fucking listen to me, texts me endlessly, fucking emails…AH! Why do I still feel the need to fucking answer?!?! Why can’t I just delete the emails before I read them? Or block his email addresses? Change my cellphone number? Why?

It’s like this place I have, this place on my body where I just keep picking and picking at it…until it bleeds and then scabs over. Over and over again, endlessly. I know it’s a form of self-mutilation…but I am ill-equipped to stop doing it. I do it when I am extremely stressed, angry or sad. It reminds me of my mother, cutting herself with razor blades and punching her arms through glass windows. I’m not that extreme, but, really, the underlying thing is the same. It makes me so sick to see myself doing what she did — only on a smaller scale. I’ve only done this since getting involved with Chris!

He’s the fucking equivalent of that place I have to keep going to and torturing myself with. Why do I do this??? I know what I am doing, I know it’s going to hurt, I know it’s not a good thing to do, or a good place to be. But I keep putting myself right there in it.

Fucking lying, selfish, manipulative fucking cocksucking fuckface.

Speaking of that? Now, I never say this word, I can’t stand when it’s used as an adjective to describe someone, but oh it’s so deserved. My former, friend-since-12-years-old-sister? She’s a fucking CUNT! A real fucking cunt. Here’s why. Recap, she’s always been a selfish bitch. One case comes to mind when on the day of my fucking wedding she demanded I take her to the beach. To make that bitch happy and try and keep some peace, I did. I get sunburned. She bitches and bitches about how long it’s taking for the hairdresser to do my hair after getting pissy they had no last minute appointments for her, after I had asked her multiple times preceding the wedding if she wanted to get her hair done that day and she kept saying no. I take the bitch on my honeymoon and she even makes that all about her. Okay, I get it, I learned to accept Kim for it nonetheless. Flash to a week ago. She calls me and starts boo-hooing that they’re losing their house. I’d feel bad for her if this hadn’t been going on for a long time, if she didn’t spend tons of money on booze, pot, cigs, gifts, gambling and vacations. She asks me if she can borrow $50k. I laughed and told her I didn’t have $50k. She asked what I did with the settlement from the divorce. I said, "Ah, bought my house and spent most of the rest fixing what I could?" So then she asks if her, her husband, 25+ daughter and 4 cats can move in?!?! I said, "Uhm, no, I don’t have the room in this house for all of you….". Yadda, yadda, yadda, she then says, "i never told you this but Brian came and stayed with me for awhile
when you two broke up." I said, "Ah, when?" She said, "Oh about 2-years ago, yeah, because it was right around my birthday." I FUCKING FUMED INSIDE. This was the time period when Brian went fucking bonkers and I was told by a couple people NOT to talk to him or see him because he was saying some pretty violent things about me and they feared for my safety. In fact, before I was told that he called me one morning in a complete black rage and proceeded to tell me that he held a gun to his friend’s girlfriend because he didn’t like her. He was talking some crazy shit then and it was myself who decided that I couldn’t talk to him anymore because he was starting to scare me. I even carried sheriff department strength pepper spray because I had no idea where he was. He said he wasn’t coming for the divorce proceedings but someone else said he was going to be here. I was scared. KIM KNEW THIS!!!! She fucking took him in! I said, "Really?!? Seriously??! Really Kim?!? You KNEW he was saying crazy shit to people about me then…" she cuts in and says in a sortof laugh, "yeah, he said some pretty fucked up stuff when he was here too." At that point I was so fucking hurt, betrayed, disgusted and upset all I said was, "Wow, really? Wow. That’s awesome." She said in a joking kind of voice back, "I wasn’t going to tell you." I said, "Yeah, why did you? Never mind, I have to go. Bye Kim."

I hung that phone up and I puked my guts up I was so upset. She could have said she slept with him and I wouldn’t have been as disgusted, hurt and betrayed. My fucking childhood best friend, Someone I considered family…and then it struck me? Her family knew and that just was … ugg, What if it wasn’t just crazy talk? Right? So fucking nice my best friend in the whole world was harboring my then nutty, now ex-husband and also letting him fucking trash talk to me to her?!?! Ugg!!!

Again, I ask, for so many times in my past: When the fuck is there going to be just ONE person EVER in my life whom I can really trust and who won’t fuck me over??!