Raw and Unedited

I fucked up today. 

Went to see a house yesterday, took my brother with me.  Because you know, I know jack shit about the way a house works and what is bad and what is good.  I look based on the feel of the house.  I really liked this one.  It’s cute and just enough.  Needs a lot of cosmetic work, I’m looking forward to making a house my own.  So that’s okay.  It will also keep my hands busy and keep me busy.  Any way, afterwards Joe, my RE estate called me and asked what I thought.  I hesitated and he said, "I thought you were going to call me and tell me you wanted Chris to see it."

I didn’t…but I did.
WTF?
Seriously?

Soo, Joe told me I should call him and blah, blah, blah, and the simple fact of the matter is Chris has owned 3 places and knows things about electrical/plumbing/foundation and stuff.  So.

I did.
I called him.  He said he would come look at it for me and we did today.
After talking all day via email.

Pretty intense conversation…today.

He kissed me, a few times…
He smells so good
kisses so good
and he fits me so good.

I fucked up.

WTF do I want?  
I mean what do I really want?
Part of me wants to really do this on my own.  Really get to know what it is I want…who I am alone.
Another part is scared to death of being alone still — even though I’ve seen with my own eyes there’s nothing for me to be scared of.  But a part of me is scared and I hate that about myself.
Don’t I owe it to myself to really get past this fear leftover from my teens?

A part of me wants to get back together but that same part of me knows what I am getting myself into, again.
When it is/was good it is oh.my.god.fucking.good.
But when it was bad it was holy.shit.what.the.fuck bad.

Parts of me want to save him from himself.
Parts of me want to save myself.

I love him…but I don’t trust him.
Always I know if he did it to her (and her and her) – then you know he’s going to do it to me too.

I Just Don’t Know.
Question is, how come I can’t just not want him?
Fuck.