No Fancy Title

Wonder of wonders and much to my complete shock and suprise?  Brian has not tried to contact me since that last Friday in May when I quietly told him I was no longer going to argue with him, wished him well and hung up.  No contact after receiving a copy of the allowed motion to disburse funds to me directly (if there are to be any further funds) I sent to his attorney. 

I won’t lie, I can’t and won’t say this aloud anywhere else or to anyone else — But I think of him daily…multiple times a day and in doing so I feel a great deal of guilt about it all.  I truly wish things didn’t have to deteriorate the way they did.  I honestly wanted to maintain some type of friendly relationship.  I don’t understand how or why he changed so rapidly these past few months.  Coming from where and how I did?  It’s painful for me to lose someone I’ve lived half my life with.  It’s weird no longer talking to or having any contact with his family, the only REAL sense of family I ever had.  If memory serves me, Melissa got married or is getting married this month in a destination wedding in the Carribean.  She no longer contacts me.  She sent me a friend request via Facebook, which?  I declined.  Something told me she only did it for Brian.

Even if and when that someone is no longer good for me or to me. 
I truly am twisted in my feelings and thinking.  I know.

I feel badly, really badly because my life hasn’t really changed much in all of this.  I live where I did, I work where I did, I have someone who loves me in a way no one else has ever loved me, the dogs are there (minus Miko and Kismet). 

Yet?  His life has drastically changed..and by all accounts, in no way has any of it been for the better.  I hope he’s well and he’s getting his life in some type of order, I sincerely doubt it though.

I know I can’t feel badly or responsible for the things he’s done to himself.
I know I shouldn’t.

But…I do.

I worry for myself in August…when he’s supposed to be coming here for some things related to his case.  But for now I am resting a little easier and I’ve stopped carrying the pepper spray.  The locks on my doors have been changed since he’s moved out so I don’t worry he kept keys and has access to the inside anymore.  However, if he really wanted inside all he’d have to do is go up to the porch and climb on the roof and he’d be inside.  I can’t worry about what might come…can only do what I can should anything come.

I am being tested to see if I have an ulcer/hernia or am having gallbladder issues.  Been in a lot of pain lately in my midsection with relentless heartburn and my voice is hoarse.  Honestly feels as if I’ve gone 13 rounds with Mike Tyson.  I go for a barium swallow x-ray tomorrow.  I’ve had blood work already.  If nothing conclusive comes up with the x-ray then I go for a scope.

Chris and I are doing really well.  Although he’s driving me a little bit crazy sending me homes to look at when I’ve made it pretty clear I don’t wish to really jump into that whole process again until I see if any further money is coming in after Brian’s trial in October.  No sense aiming for something again, getting my hopes up for them to only be dashed again.  My financial situation hasn’t changed…men.

Dogs are well.  Work is boring. 

I am forging a better relationship with my brother, his wife and the 2 kids.  They all really love Chris … and let fly they always thought Brian was weird and hard to engage in conversations with.

Hrm, the things people tell you once a marriage ends.