Letters After the Breakup

His email to me Monday morning.

Tammy,
 
I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and wanted to contact you over the weekend to see how you are doing, but figured you would not really want to hear from me. I am sorry for this and I wish you would believe me! You and I shared some great and loving time together, yes it is hard to think of where we are now but nothing will change what we shared and gave to each other. I went to Chrimara on Saturday just to think for a while and got all emotional and then thought to myself don’t be sad be happy that she was ever in your life and the good times we shared and the memories I will keep and cherish forever. I wish I could tell you the inner turmoil I go through with myself and struggle with each and every day of what I have done, who I have hurt and why does this happen to me and why do I let it happen. I feel helpless at times and very confused, I used to feel good about myself and felt like I was really a good dad and gave 100 percent to our relationship but you more than anyone know thats not true. I am angry with myself and dissapointed in what I see in the mirror and really just wanted you to know that this is on me and you need to know that and not think it is something you do or did, totally my inability to deal with my emotions and feelings. You deserve to be much happier than I have been making you and deserve 100 percent of someones love, something I am unable to give you at this point in my life it is not something I did’nt want to give you it is something I just can’t seem to get straight. I do love and care about you a great deal, please believe that I wish my life were different so I could give you all you need and deserve and not being able to do that makes me sad and feel like alot less of a man, not a good father, not a good partner which in turn caused me to become angry and lash out and I can’t appologize enough to you for that. Love Chris

My Response:
 
Chris:

Thank you, I haven’t reached out to contact you because I thought that was what you wanted.  Instead I wrote a letter to you…you know how I am.  I write letters I never intend to send.  It’s cathartic for me.
 
No, this isn’t all your fault, but thank you for sharing what you see as your side of things.  Even funnier is?  I was out on Saturday, went to get my glasses fixed and I felt a strong pull towards Chrimara.  I almost went there myself but …
 
I wish you could have gotten back to telling me the inner turmoil you feel inside instead of keeping it hidden inside eating at you.  The part of us I missed the most is how you used to be able to and how I would just listen.  The part of you I feel in love with was your ability to really talk to me.  I can’t figure out how you said to me a very short time ago, "I have no hang ups with you" and yet not be able to talk to me anymore.  I don’t know…
 
I wish to GOD you’d stop seeing yourself as a bad father!!  That really ticks me off Chris.  You’re NOT a bad father because you can’t be with your son’s mother.  You’re a good father and if you’d just open your eyes and take a really hard look?  You’d see that!  God I wish that for you.
 
Tammy

His response:

Hi, well that would have been something if you had showed up at Chrimara when I was there! A letter did you email it? Thank you for saying that but I do feel like I have failed as a father in some ways, just how I feel because i am not there for him all the time and thats part of what I needed to do with basketball so he knew i was supportive and there to see him. I appreciate your praying to god for me think I need it and I don’t have  a hang up with you it is me getting to a point of being so close to you and not wanting to feel more vulnerable or overbearing you with things I keep letting run my life and I do appreciate all the times you have just listened to me it helped and means/meant alot.

Mine:
 
No I didn’t email it it’s in my draft folder sitting there.  As I said, I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me so I wasn’t going to do that.  Know you’re under a lot of pressure at work and you’re under an insane amount of personal pressure right now.  I certainly was not going to add to that.  If you’d like to read it, I will send it.   
 
You haven’t failed as a father Chris…I wish you’d retrain your way of thinking like that.  Ack, now please don’t take this the wrong way, but?  You’ve failed as a husband.  *cringes*  There’s a big difference
 
Questions to ask yourself:
 
1. Do I provide financially for my son?
2. Do I provide love for my son?
3. Do I provide support and friendship to my son?
4. Am I there for my son at any time for all things?
 
I know the answers to those questions, do you? 
 
*smiles* I get you needing to go to basketball…my letter explains my hangups and meltdowns over that. I am sorry.
 
I’m sorry if I made you feel vulnerable or that you were overbearing in my life.  I certainly never felt that way, I am sorry you think that.
 

His:
Sorry got called out of the office for union crap, and yes I would like to read the letter and I feel I have failed at both as well as being your partner. I am getting out of here taking some furlough hours before I snap, drive safe the weather is going to get a bit slick/snowy.
 

The letter I wrote without intention of sending, but did any way.
 
Hello Chris:
 
Hope this letter finds you well and happy.  I’m sorry for the length of this letter in advance, but you know me well.  I am good at writing letters and this one contains what I feel is a lot of important things I need to admit and acknowledge.
 
First I want to say, I’m doing well.  I am reconnecting with old friends.   I realized that I let my life go, let my friends go.  I made you my whole world — because that’s what I was used to doing before.  Now I know I need to have my own friends and my own outside interests so I don’t place my whole life inside someone else’s hands.  Which brings me to: that’s a heavy burden for anyone to bear.  In doing that I realized I made my life and interests your responsibility which is wrong.  I am my own responsibility and it’s up to me to keep friends and do things on my own.  Lesson learned, thank you.
 
Learning to enjoy the quiet times instead of fearing them like I once did. Which brings me to: I was scared of living alone and much to my amazement I’m finding it not so scary after all.  Because of the PTSD I go back in time sometimes in my head and all of the old feelings of being scared, hungry, alone and tired come rushing in. I know now that I am NOT the scared teenager anymore and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself again.  In fact?  The quiet times, it’s nice.  I’ve been leaving the toilet seat up now, just because.  It’s good to have one of my inner demons finally slayed.  Which brings me to: I now realize how my fear of being alone translated into my relationships.  Come to find out that, "wow, you were scared for nothing dumbass".  I’m sorry for how that came outwards onto you.  I can understand now how that can feel smothering.  Lesson learned, thank you. 
 
Truth be told (again)  I just couldn’t get over you still having a wife, and all that continued to go with that (the house, etecetera) and I began to feel insecure.  You always thought it was I couldn’t get over you having a son.  I kept telling you it wasn’t your son I was jealous of, it was your wife.  And that really is the truth.  I love Ben…but all the things you needed to do with him included Carol in some capacity and I just couldn’t see past my insecurity there.  I see now that I wanted to share your son with you, maybe in a selfish way, you know?  I just wanted to be included more, I was reaching out for something I wanted so badly but never could have myself.  So in meeting you I thought I’d perhaps get that.  I realize that’s not fair – and it certainly isn’t right for me to have done.  I guess you reminding me a lot that Ben already had a mother made me feel badly for reasons beyond just that simple statement and that’s my bag of hangup, not yours. 
 
I really believe that if you had been proceeding with a divorce, or were divorced, or talked to me about it, I know firmly and completely it really wouldn’t have been so hard for me to deal with and I wouldn’t have felt so insecure.  I always feared when you spent all that time together that you were going to go back.  You not talking about it or bringing it up started cementing my fears because you seemed to me to be all of a sudden so secretive about that giant part of your life.  Which brings me to: I cannot control anyone else but myself, nor can I control their actions or make someone want to be with me if they don’t want to be with me.  Lesson learned, thank you.
 
You always hated it here, kept telling me how much you hated it here and that translated to me that you really just missed your old house/life and in my eyes I saw how you never really moved out of there.  That made the insecurity fester and resentment really built up and eventually it would bubble over in unproductive ways.  I tried many times to bring this to you, to talk to you about it.  I only wanted you to make me understand where in your head you were with this.  But you just clammed up tighter or got really mad at me and would lash out.  It amazed me how quickly you packed up your things from here and just left.  I see that comes easy to you and that makes me sad.  Which brings me to: I know now I cannot settle for something that doesn’t make me feel good/right.  Lesson learned, thank you. 
 
It also made me feel bad…guilty…AND sad.  Sad because one of the very things I cherished most about you/us was that you seemed to really want to marry me.  You always asking me to marry you before was heart stoppingly meaningful to me.  You know, I never really felt that in my first marriage, that he wanted to get married really and that made me have hangups. Then it became painful because it felt like a joke you asking me when you knew you couldn’t really.  It’s not that I wanted you to marry me immediately.  It wasn’t even that I wanted to get married, I’m really not sure I ever want to get married again.  I just really needed/wanted the option to be there. 
 
Feeling guilty because I was living with a married man and know how much it must have been hurting Carol at the same time too.  Bad because I know how much it hurt me to feel like there was never going to be a time when I could share any part of your family life with you. Couldn’t go to any of your families gatherings or whatever because you had a wife that was going there.  So I became distant and snappish in retailiation and let all of that come out in a destructive way.  I am sorry for that, but glad for the lesson learned.
 
I’m sorry for all the ways I changed along the way too. You fell in love with the funny, sexy girlfriend and I fell in love with the funny, romantic, sexy boyfriend.  We both lost sight of that – you stopped talking to me and telling me how you were feeling, I felt lost and sad and I stopped caring about taking care of myself and looking good for you — but most importantly, looking good and feeling good for me.  I am sorry for my change from sexy, fun girlfriend into plain jane.  Which brings me to: Feeling ugly on the inside translated into not caring how I looked on the outside.  Now I remember looking good on the outside makes me feel good on the inside but more importantly I know that I can’t let my insecurities run my life.  Lesson learned, thank you.
 
I am so very sorry for the over-the-top ways I reacted to you on a lot of occasions.  I’ve never been prodded into being or been in any way, shape or form that type of person before.  Which brings me to: I know now that I have to walk away from those situations that trigger the PTSD in me and make me act out.  I am in no way using the PTSD as an excuse for my bad behavior, just trying to make you understand why sometimes I am not myself.  I have started therapy again and Mark is going to teach me ways to cope with this better.  I need to go back and really, truly understand for the last time that I am not that same helpless little girl, snap out of the old terror, refocus my mind to the present and now simply refuse to engage.  So many times when you were so angry and yelling and accusing me, I let old fears of being yelled at and bullied cloud my reasoning and that is my fault.   That does not excuse me from lashing out.  I am so ashamed of myself for those times.  Which brings me to: tis better to walk away when feeling cornered and agree to talk later when the situation has cooled so things are not said and things are not done in the heat of the moment that aren’t really meant.  Lesson learned, thank you.
 
Well, there you go.  I wanted to say a few things, a cleansing of sorts I guess.  Wanted to thank you for helping me see the things I did wrong and where I can makes changes to make myself a better person.  You don’t need to respond or anything.  I needed to own up to my own shit is all, for my own reasons. 
 
Be well, be happy and be safe.
 
Always,
Tamara

His response the following day:

The end of the letter says it all to me, that you could’nt even write the word love. Guess I will never understand or really be happy not a pitty party just seems that I fell in love with a beautiful, funny, sexual, romantic woman and I ruined it all somehow by trying to be to much to to many thats my bad for really never wanting to hurt anyone like I was hurt and ended up causing more hurt and pain in the end for everyone including myself, I am truly,truly sorry!! I will always love you, care about you, and think about you! You gave me more in my life and made me feel more and made me feel so wanted and needed so much more than anyone ever has and opened my eyes to things that I never saw. It was not where we lived that bothered me it was the lack of anything being fixed and paying that much money and being screwed over does not go over well with me and you know I like to do little projects and fix things when they need it but was not able to do that there. I was actually looking forward to us walking the beach when the weather got good. I never moved all my stuff in because honestly there just is not enough space there you know that look at how much space my clothers took up and there is another rack of clothes and a rack of jackets in the basement of the house never mind all my other shit like tools,fishing and hunting gear was not that I did’nt want it there just was not the space for it all! Nice to see you have moved right on and reconnected with your friends that I apparently kept you from even though I remember saying to you to go out with your friends from time to time so you would have things to do when I was off doing sports or things with Ben. I am sorry you felt that it was me being off and doing things as a family which is truly and honestly not the case, as I have said I needed and wanted to do whatever I could to be a good dad to Ben I miss enough of the everyday things in his life and could not bare to miss more than I already do it kills me inside, at the same time it hurt me inside that I was not with you because you and Ben hit it off pretty good and got along well and could relate to each other far more than I had expected. Please be safe and watch what you do, where you go and who you decide to go out with I care and love you more than you think or know I do. I miss the couple that used to go to Chrimara and act like teenagers and just loved every minute together!! I am not far away if you ever need anything. Love Always, Chris

I don’t really know what he’s really trying to say, I know that he keeps reaching out to me to say shit.  I never reach out to him anymore.  I do answer…but am starting to really see I am doing so to my own detriment.  I keep feeling as if I need to cut off contact, tell him not to contact me anymore because I cannot heal from this breakup while he’s contacting me. 

Yet the little voice inside of me seems to want me to keep answering…