A Letter In The Making

Drafting this here first…to get it straight before I send it.

My Dearest Chris:
 
This is going to be a hard letter to write, just so you know that from the onset.  Probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to say to someone I love.  But I need to.
 
You left…saying you needed a break.  I didn’t quite understand what that meant then and I guess I still don’t.  When someone leaves me, I take that to mean it’s over.  I didn’t reach out to you because you said you needed a break – which I took as a break up.  You reached out to me and continue to reach out to me and each and every time my heart leaps and then it takes another big crack. 
 
All I know is when I am in love with someone, when I love someone deeply and I am in a committed relationship with that person, I don’t run away from them and I certainly don’t throw in the towel at the first sign of real issues.  I work through them as best as I can with my partner to keep the relationship healthy and moving forward.  You chose to run from me and more importantly, you ran from us.  I respected that and let you go as you wished.   
 
Now it seems to me that you want me to be there for you like a girlfriend but you really don’t want me to be your girlfriend.  You can’t/won’t be there for me in the way I want and need.  That’s just not fair at all to me.  You say one thing but do the other and it’s very, very confusing and it hurts a whole lot. 
 
You say you want to talk to someone professional and get some clarity inside your head, but you haven’t really done much to get that help.   
 
You say your heart feels good with me, you miss me, you feel more with me and from me than you ever have before and you say you want to be with me…that you’re deeply in love with me — but yet you aren’t with me. 

One day you tell me you want to get back together, the next I get a bunch of "ifs".  This all makes no sense to me (nor anyone else really) I can only assume this makes sense to you.
 
All I know is I can’t do whatever it is we’re doing right now.  I just can’t.  It’s not good for my heart or head and all this uncertainty is making me feel really bad.  I’ve been honest and upfront with you about everything throughout our relationship, so I can’t stop now. 
 
If you don’t want to be with me Chris, then please, please, just let me go so I can really heal from this heartbreak.  What I am saying is I think it’s best for me if you don’t contact me while you’re getting your head straight or whatever it is you are doing.  Because right now this hurts too much, you coming and going and the mixed messages you’re giving me.
 
I’m sorry – I’d love nothing more to be there for you, you know I do, but not at the expense of my own well-being.  Once you figure out what it is you want, if you do, then maybe we can sit together and talk about it.  Until then I need to start to move on. 
 
I hope you remember: I love you, I care about you and I really hope and wish you find peace within yourself.  Be safe, be happy and be yourself.
 
Always,
Tammy