Night Owl

I love the nights. Makeup looks better at night. And is this weird but I look and feel slimmer at night. My hobbies feel more fulfilling. However at night I feel lonely. You ever have that deep intense lonely feeling, like its deep in your chest. Like you want to cry but can’t. Everyone is asleep and that’s when I want to talk and think and feel deeply about things.

It’s 4am now and I’m listening to the rain and watching Grey’s anatomy.  I spent the night gaming and meditating. I really tried to finish a book my sister lent me months ago. I finally decided it’s just too boring. I need books that capture my attention within first few chapters. Plus my adhd feels like it’s gotten worse since my hysterectomy. I get brain fog a lot more often. I just can’t concentrate. I also decided this night I need something else to invest in. My usual hobbies aren’t helping me anymore. This fall I’ve really gotten into baking and crocheting but now I’m feeling down, no empty. Other day I decided to join a gym. I think working out at night will help my mental health and any lingering loneliness. One of my sisters got married couple years ago and  we aren’t close anymore and now my oldest sister is headed toward marriage, meanwhile I’m super single and although I am happy for them, I wish I had someone to curl up with at night n discuss every subject that pops into my head. And if one thing life has taught me it’s that things can change very quickly. So who knows maybe next year I’ll meet someone and be heading down the isle. You just never know.

Meanwhile, I’m searching for new distractions. I decided to give blogging a try again. I made this account and I’m interested in how this online Journaling will go. I’ve been Journaling so much since I had my surgery, that I had to buy another diary. It’s pretty, dark green with gold stars. I also spend my nights helping others on online through support groups on Facebook. I like giving others a safe space to vent and feel heard. Judgement free.

It’s now 5am. Still raining and I’m going to make coffee and maybe bisuits and gravy for breakfast. Hope everyone has a great morning. Sending positive vibes to anyone reading this.