Frozen

Met a really nice lady on one of the depression and anxiety groups on Facebook. It was interesting because everything I want to accomplish; she has done and she’s only few years older than me. She published a book and has a YouTube channel. She’s a go getter and it got me thinking what exactly is holding me back.

I’ve had a dream of being a writer and publishing my books since middle school. I have written a children’s series, and the ideas are still flowing in for more stories. I wrote an entire book of poems. I have in the past looked for a publisher but the ones I keep finding want me to pay a lot of money and I don’t have it. I live on a fixed income and all my money is tied up on bills and what’s left I’m saving to get a car. I guess I had the dream that I could contact a publisher send my writings and they say it’s amazing we want to publish your work. I then proceed to feel accomplished and go out and celebrate. I would feel good enough or talented enough.

I don’t have a fear of failing, my fear or anxiety stems from going out in unknown territory. Trying something I’ve never done. Stepping out of my comfort zone. I feel like if I had someone to jump start it for me and guide me in how to get published, I would have less anxiety. I also feel like I’m not as good as other writers because they have a college degree and I never finished college because I had a major emotional breakdown and quit, and the second time I tried to get a degree I had another mental health breakdown and quit again, so yeah.

Everyone likes my writing and says it’s really good and say I should self-publish but again I don’t know where to even begin. Not to mention everything comes out of my pocket if I had 2,000 just sitting around, I would feel less panicky but that’s not the reality. Still, I know not doing anything isn’t an option. I feel sometimes that I was meant for greatness or to do something that will help others. I don’t care about fame or fortune. I want to write to get what I have to say out. I have such a big imagination; I just want to put all my creativity to some good use. Of course, deep down I feel like I want to be remembered. I guess that’s a normal human feeling, right? That’s probably why people do things to be famous, they want recognition. I don’t know.

I have anxiety disorders, and I get overwhelmed so easily, I hate it so much. I’m very good at cranking out my art, whether it’s my paintings, crochet items, my songs or poems and stories I write. However, I’m not good at the business side. I hate dealing with that kind of stuff. I even tried to make an Etsy account to sell my art but was so anxious and overwhelmed just setting up the account, that I don’t think I ever finished getting it setup. Once my sister and I tried to sell our art at an art festival, it was a small one but all that was very uncomfortable for me. I did sell a painting, and glad for the experience but I don’t think I would do it again, I only did it to begin with because my sister was doing it with me. I have gotten braver to try things since then, but it really takes a lot out of me, physically and emotionally.

My mental health holds me back from so much. Sometimes I wish I had a partner for support and to help me with all this. To either motivate me or just be there to guide me through the whole process. I sometimes wonder if my anxiety wasn’t so bad how much I could have accomplished by now. If things were different, I would be a writer, live in a cabin by the lake somewhere. and just be living out my dreams. Like the title says I really just feel frozen. Frozen by fear, frozen in time while everyone else around me is living out their dreams. Just frozen.