Friendships and being Weird

At what age does a person stop wondering when will they fit in? At what age does a person become ok being alone?

I been called weird since I was a kid. When hanging out with cousins I was always the loud and the silly one. Always cracking jokes, kind of outgoing. They were more reserved. Had friends from different cliques in school. Everyone knew who I was, plus it’s a small town. Still, I always felt like I didn’t belong. I mean I can get along with literally anyone but even today as an adult I feel like I’m in the wrong time period or something and its hard finding people that listen to my kind of music or get my kind of humor. I look at things differently too and when I share my views or feelings with people, they look at me odd. Never thought I was a deep thinker but maybe I am and since I’m an introvert and alone a lot I have time to think about life and things. I’m pretty observant when it comes to people. I’m an empath so I pick up on things in social settings, mood shifts or when a person is feeling down, I can sense it and try to cheer them up. It can feel like a superpower but it’s very exhausting. My social battery drains very quickly. Which is why I tend to avoid social gatherings.

Well, I’m 34 now and I still don’t really connect with anyone my age. Most adults view me as childlike, because I’m playful, and have youthful spirit. I’m not doing the standard adult lifestyle either so it’s difficult to relate to most people my age. I’m not dating or married. no children. I stay to myself for the most part mostly because I just don’t click with a lot of people especially in the rural community in Virginia. Even my taste in music or movies and shows a lot of people don’t like. Another reason is I’m socially awkward, and have social anxiety, until I get comfortable with you and it’s not getting any better because to get better at being social you have to practice, and I’d rather hang with nephew or sisters than make new friends. They get me, and I don’t have to feel weird being silly and myself around them.

I like being alone for the most part honestly, I can truly relax in my own company. My social anxiety makes me question my behavior and things I say. I wanted to fit in a lot more as a teenager and even in my 20s but I’ve reached a point where I don’t care as much. After years of trying hard to be accepted or make friends, I reached an age where I think it’s better to enjoy your own company. I noticed people will tend to be in bad relationships that disrupt their peace just so they aren’t alone.  A huge reason I don’t try making friends anymore is my bpd. I tend to end friendships because I am afraid of abandonment. When my mental health is low, I tend to isolate a lot. Or get frustrated easily when depressed and don’t want others to feel down with me so I stay away from people. It frustrates me because I don’t abandon people when their struggling mentally, I really try to help them more.  So many friends have let me down and disappeared, especially when I needed them the most, they didn’t understand my type 2 bipolar disorder so they would just stop trying to be there for me. Getting older I’ve learned you just have to lower your expectations especially for family and friends. People don’t always intend to let you down their just human. People come into your lives don’t always stay, sometimes people come into your life just to be there for that moment and then be on their gone, they didn’t come to stay forever and that’s ok. My sister who is 14 years older said the older you get the more you get comfortable with being by yourself. I think that so true.

I did have one best friend when I was a teenager, we got along so well. We even had same name but after she moved away, I tried hard to keep in touch and she didn’t, so we stopped talking. I honestly haven’t met someone that I vibe with like I did with her. We were 3 years apart but just clicked. It makes me sad that we stopped talking but I really did give 100 percent to stay in touch with her.  I hate that, giving 100 percent to people and they only give little effort back. It’s frustrating feeling like you’re not worth the effort to people. Maybe someday I’ll meet someone, and we become besties. I did meet a girl online through a group on Facebook, she lived in Malaysia at the time. We became close and offered each other support but she had bpd and pushed me away a lot and struggled with intense feelings and anger a lot. It ended but I still wish her well and think about her often, hoping she is ok. She did message once to say she hope I was doing ok but she didn’t want to talk any after that. Since then, I had major surgery, moved and found out I have bpd too. That is probably another reason our friendship didn’t work out. I have noticed too that since 2020 people don’t really try to connect anymore, they are truly in survival mode and only have the energy for that and not making friends. Has anyone else noticed this too?

It’s only 8pm feels a lot later. I’m on YouTube and gaming some. I started my day late so I’m going to be up for a while. Glad I got to get this out. I’m really enjoying this online journaling.