To be, or not to be.

 Dear Diary;

Wow, I think I received more notes on that one entry than I have on any entry for the past year. Thanks for all the kind advice- not one person said I shouldn’t do this.

Here’s the thing… this is what I’ve been thinking all day:

Ever since I started working at Davern, I’ve moved up in position. I know that didn’t make any sense, but what I mean is, I started as a counsellor, moved up to integration the next year, took a year off then moved up to leaders/lit’s counsellor, took another 3 years off and came back as the Wellness coordinator. I was actually excited to go back this summer as the Wellness Coordinator again and not move up. I was looking forward to going back to something familiar- a position that I KNOW and that I can only get better at and I was excited to not have to learn an entirely new job. I’m not saying that moving up and learning new things is a bad thing- I’m just saying that I was sort of looking forward to jumping back into something I knew I excelled at.

Being the boss means everyone hates you.  Okay, okay, maybe not "hates" you- but they certainly don’t look at you the same and they certainly don’t want to just hang out and chat with you. Being a part of the resource team last year separated me enough from the counsellors because they viewed us as their superiors even though we tried our hardest not to let that happen. If I go back as the director- not only will I be separated from the counsellors, but from resource too. It’s fucking lonely at the top- and I have a hard enough time making friends. As amazing as Kim was last year- you could still hear the sighs of relief when she wasn’t around- you could see people relax a little when she had a day off or when she was stuck in her cabin doing paperwork all day. I don’t want that to happen to me.

I just don’t want Davern to become just another job and not a fun place to be. It’s hard to be the director and have a million responsibilities and also be a part of what’s going on- attending campfires and playing games. Those are the things that I like to do- I like to participate, and I’m afraid that I’ll be so busy I won’t get to do that and the fun will be sucked out. 

I don’t want to become one of those directors that ruins camp and that the staff hate and that gets talked about for years to come as ‘the director who did this and that’. 

As people keep telling me: There’s always a price to pay to be at the top. 

I just don’t know if I’m ready to pay.

I keep focusing on the things I won’t get to do anymore. I really should try to focus on the bonus points- like for example, work starts earlier (may instead of july) and I get paid a little better. I still have my own cabin (sans bathroom- which really is still a factor for me) and it’s on hilltop with the resource cabin. I’ll have internet access, although it will be even slower than it is here. …. I’ll have to come back to add to this, cause I can’t really think of anything else at this moment.

I don’t want to have to talk myself into this, ya know?