December 23, 2012

The Email

♥ I finally received the email I was expecting from Ed. It was very informative.. and quite frightening. He has been with and cheated on a LOT of women. I mean, a lot. Like, almost every relationship he’s ever had, he’s been seeing someone else on the side. Since college. Since he started dating. Since forever.

So, knowing about all of this (and I believe he was being truthful because.. wow. You can’t make that shit up, and why would you admit that to someone?) why do I STILL want to be with him?

I do. Still want to see him and have a sexual relationship with him. Regardless.

Emotional attachment? That has to end.

He said a lot of great things about me, as I expected he would. I think a lot of it is bullshit that he said to keep me happy and keep me from getting so angry that I destroy his family (which I wouldn’t do because I’m not that kind of person), and I told him that in my reply. However, true or not, it’s nice to hear some of these things sometimes- even if you’re only one of 5 girls hearing the same speech.

Here are some pieces of the email.. You can read if you want..

"After her and I were through but before she found out about me and shit hit the fan, thats when i met u. When I saw u for the first time: wow!! I thought u looked so fine. For some reason, and I couldn’t pin point it, but there was something different about u. Was it your looks? Your demeanor? Your super talent?? I didn’t even know. All I knew is that I KNEW I wanted to see u again. As my life was in straight turmoil, (and when I say turmoil, I mean TURMOIL!!) I felt like our interactions were what I needed to keep going on. I truly enjoyed talking to u, seeing your texts in the morning, noon and nite and of course, the mind blowing sex!! (coupled with your super amazing talent mmmm). After dealing with crazy, I knew something needed to be done in order to understand why I persist in continuing this behaviour. As u already know, I’m seeing a therapist and I feel things have been going well as I am starting to understand bit by bit the roots of why I act the way I do."

"Now, u need to understand something. Throughout all this time, with these females, I felt remorse for what I’ve done but it would quickly dissipate, thus the reason why I’d continue behaving the way I did. But then there u are. Like I mentioned earlier, there was just something about u that made me want to know more about u. U being a shy person, not extrovert, a quality I really admire by the way, made me get drawn to u. U made me work in order to get to know u better. Whether if it was intentional or not, I still liked it. We were doing what we were doing and I liked it, a lot!!.."

"Upon your discovery of who I am, this time around, something was different. I truly felt bad for not being honest with u since jump. Was it the last email u had sent me that made me realize it? Was it because of the therapy I’m going through that made me realize the true error of my ways? Or was it something else? Something that I didn’t want to admit to myself but knew I felt. Things are pretty messed up in my head but one thing I do know is that, everything about Meghan, I like. From her eyes to her soft skin, to her always lovely painted nails, the way she expresses herself when she writes to how I enjoy whoopin dat azz at the games we play, all I know is, she’s someone I don’t want to let go. In your ***** profile, in your "about me" section, u say that "you’ll never meet another girl like me". I agree with that 100%. U have never once judged me (not to my face, anyway) when I tell u of my fantasies, no matter how unorthodox they are. U seem to enjoy our conversations and the sex??? Well, u already know my thoughts about that and your special talent (a talent that I told u I loved on more than one occasion today, seems like I might like it lol). U let me be me, and I like that."

"So what now?? U now know me at the most intimate level. Maybe you’re disgusted to have ever known such a sick and twisted individual such as myself. Maybe you’re glad that I was finally this open and honest with u. Or maybe u plain and simply want nothing to do with me anymore and go about dating these dudes u been meeting up with and turn your back on me. All I know is, when u declared your love for me, it stirred something within me. I can’t even explain it. Much how u feel towards me, I feel towards u. Being with u is so wrong but feels SO right!! I want more of u. Like I’ve explained to u before, seeing these dudes holla at u, bothers me. Knowing that u went on a date with some of them and did stuff with them, bothers me. Having these dudes do to u what I do to u so fukkin well, bothers me. But I’m in no position to say anything due to my current situation. But on the inside, that’s how I feel."

Referring to other journal entries on a different site we’re both on:

"And sometimes seeing what u write makes me feel bad. Makes me feel bad because I made u feel sad, because I haven’t been honest with u, because I can’t give 100% of myself like u desire and yearn for and deserve. But when I’m around u, everything goes away. I really enjoy seeing u, touching u and especially kissing u. And a whole bunch of other stuff, sexy stuff, that we’ll get into some other time lol. Everything around doesn’t exist and I feel it’s just me and u in the world when we’re together. All this after only 3 months??? Yes, I can’t lie to myself."