On my own…

 

 

 

 

 ♥ … it’s hard to tell myself it’ll be alright. 

Maybe it’s because I’m truly feeling sad, or maybe it’s because I’m being visited by aunt flow and I’m surrounded by equally hormonal women all day long, but all I want to do right now is stay cool, wallow a bit and listen to really sappy music and cry a little bit. Just a little.

I’m at camp again. I wrote privately a few days ago about how incompetent I was feeling. Occasionally, I still feel like I’m only here because people feel sorry for me and because I begged, but I’m learning to live with that feeling and just keep working hard. 

I think I wrote about L last February and how she texted me late one night and told me she had a crush on me. Well, here we are both at camp and there are some developments to update on. First of all, she pretty much wouldn’t look me in the eye for the first few days of resource camp and hardly talked to me at all. It was generally awkward, but that has passed for the most part. I’ve been wondering for a while what she’s thinking and feeling and I think today I finally got an answer that I’m not at all surprised about, but I’m feeling a little disappointed and I’ll explain why in a minute. I found out that L is crushing big time on another staff member/friend that she was crushing on last year too. The funny thing is, I totally felt the vibe before I found out some things about the situation, which is typical. As it turns out, This other staff member who had always said she was straight has recently admitted that she would "go either way". This of course, changes everything for L, who is now totally confused and still crushing big time on this other person and the little blip of a crush she had on me isn’t even a smudge on her windshield anymore.

Sigh.

anyway, I had been doing some thinking about L and I and come to the conclusion that we are two, fundamentally different beings and a relationship between us would be completely foreign and unnatural. I honestly can’t see it working out long term, but I’ll be honest and tell you that I was interested to see how things went this summer and was hoping that a summer fling would be in the cards for me. Unfortunately, it’s not, but I’ll accept it and carry on. That’s what I mean when I said I was disappointed but not at all surprised that it would turn out the way it did. 

It was nice to feel liked for a while there though. that never happens to me.