My own issues.

 

 

 

♥ I spent several hours today sitting in front of this computer and typing out not one, but two emails to him. It was like my head and heart joined for a moment to release everything I had been thinking and feeling. I ended up in a place I never expected to be. I’ve decided to share a little of what I wrote- please don’t judge me.

I have never had a good relationship with anyone in my life. Men and women have come and gone, some stayed longer than others and some are merely a fleeting memory. As much as I’ve wanted to have someone special in my life for the long run, it’s never played out for me. The longest relationship I’ve even held on to was in 8th grade. John. Do you want to know how it ended? We were on and off for 2 years before I dumped him in 10th grade for Dave. Dave broke my heart 2 months later by cheating on me and lying to me- telling me he was moving to the West Coast (he never did).


I didn’t date again until college. I jumped into bed with the first guy I met- Ryan, and believe it or not, he was the very, VERY recent ex of my (at the time) new and only best friend. We became "secret" fuck buddies. I lost my virginity to him. To a guy who was ashamed to be seen in public with me. A guy who would later kiss another friend of mine while I was out of the room. A guy who had the nerve to get mad at ME when I called him on his bullshit. Yet, we continued to see each other secretly whenever our needs grew out of control. Do you want to know how it ended? He came to visit me one night after he had moved away, and in the morning, he told me he didn’t have enough money to get back home. Paying for him to fuck me was the last straw.


After that, I felt like I lost myself. I met a guy online and originally I had intended to pimp myself out for some cash. I was clinically depressed, sexually confused and desperate for something that I couldn’t put my finger on. In the end, I didn’t sleep with him for money- but I did sleep with him. Our first meeting, much like yours and mine, was based around sex. It was easier then, because I had my own place. I ended up dating Scott for almost a year. Do you want to know how it ended? He was too clingy. He proposed marriage after 3 months. I wasn’t attracted to him- so I broke his heart. We met up casually a few times over the years after that to fuck. He was engaged and expecting a child the last time we banged.


Are you beginning to see a pattern? It’s not over yet.


That last guy I dated was 10 years ago. He was the last person I had a "relationship" with. After him, the men and women I met were only in my life for a matter of hours or days. 


There was Lisa, who I met with to experience being with a woman. 2 hours.
There was the couple I met for the threesome (I can’t even remember their names). 3 hours on one day, and 2 on another. We lost touch.
There was Alex, who was my 8th grade boyfriends best friend back then. He called me out of the blue one day a few years ago and asked me on a date to "catch up". I pity fucked him. Twice.


and then, there was another Ryan. You don’t know about this, and I’m a little ashamed to tell you. In the spirit of being honest and not omitting anything however, here goes. I met Ryan online around the same time I met you. The night I went to Ottawa and wanted to meet with you- I met with Ryan. In the same hotel room, in the same bed. We didn’t fuck- because well, it was nearly impossible with the size of his dick. He ate my pussy, we made out and he left. I showered 3 times before morning when I met you. 


And you know the rest.


Was I expecting to get anything out of meeting you? Clearly not, with my track record. The plan was to release some of my sexual frustration that had been building up all summer. I worked, as I think I’ve told you, at an all girls residential camp for 2 months. I hadn’t had sex in over 2 YEARS and I had worked with a girl who had admitted she had a crush on me- but then spent the whole summer not mentioning it and the tension betweenus grew so thick you could have cut it with a knife. I left camp and felt the urge to reach out to someone- so I did what I had done so many times before (Yes, I lied when I said I didn’t do that often) and I went online to find someone to fuck. You were meant to be a no strings attached kind of thing. I had planned to fuck you and never contact you again- much like everyone else I had met.


But after we met, something clicked inside of me. Here was this gorgeous man who I was incredibly attracted to. A man who was undoubtedly more attractive then anyone I had ever met. I couldn’t believe my luck that someone so out of my league would find me even remotely desirable.  How on earth was I supposed to walk away and just count you as another one of my conquests? 


Ok.. so maybe, I thought, we could just be FWB for a while. I could handle that. I could have sex with someone who was sooooo right for me for a while. I mean, it didn’t have to turn into anything, right? I’ve done it before- I can do it again.


But I’m a woman. An emotional woman. I should’ve known better. I’m so smart, but sometimes I make the worst decisions (clearly). The more we talked, the more I longed to hear from you. The more I heard from you, the more I wanted to see you, feel you, touch you. The more we connected physically, the more I felt like we had chemistry. Let’s look at Chemistry itself. In short it is the study of substances and their actions and reactions with other substances. In this case, the substance is human beings. Two people have the same respect and compassion for each other. It’s an unspoken connection you have to another person. If you can consider you and your partner to have a special bond, you two have "chemistry". Also, if you can take a negative and turn it into a positive, then you have "chemistry". 

Therefore, it is quite impossible for only one person to have "chemistry".


did that make any sense? I feel as though I’m starting to lose track of where I wanted to go with all of this.


Getting back on track..


I tend to know when something isn’t quite right. I get a gut feeling, I sense things. It comes from knowing the types of people I have known in my life. One of my friends in college was a compulsive liar. I learned, over the few years we knew each other, how to tell a lie from truth. It’s a skill I still take with me- even though I sometimes choose to ignore it. I felt so many "gut feelings" with you that I chose to ignore because I didn’t want to face them. I found out your name was ******* about a month or more ago. I was, telling myself that you probably didn’t want to tell me your real name because we had met online and we didn’t know each other very well. I figured you’d come clean someday and I should just let the little things go. What’s in a name, right?


I won’t lie to you, I thought to myself a few times- "He has a daughter… where is the mother? What’s the story there? Should I ask? What if he’s married?"  but I pushed it out of my head because I didn’t WANT to know. I would have rather assumed you were a single father and go on fucking you than face the truth.


all the times we were supposedto meet and something came up with work… I wondered if you were *really* working. But again, why face the truth when the lie is SO much easier.


And now, here we are. Both having kept secrets from one another. Both having lied. One being married.


So where do we go from here? Logical question. "What now?"


To be honest, I really don’t know what to do. I’m SO completely conflicted. 


If I could split myself into two people- one of me ruled by my brain, the other ruled by my heart and desire I would have two completely different answers. 


The me ruled by my brain would scream and yell and be so angry. She would know enough to walk away from you. She would know that if you found it so easy to lie to me for that long, what would stop you from doing it again and again? She would be angry with not only you, but with herself for being that "home-wrecking whore" that women despise. She would think of her aunt who’s husband cheated on her and left her and her daughter for the other woman- and how her family came together to support her when she was crumbling and dying inside. She would wonder what people would think of her if they knew she was now in the position of the "other woman". She would be smart and say goodbye and try to move on with her life- not only for herself, but for you. She would know that you were never going to give up on your family and your wife and she would let go so that you could have a fighting chance to reconcile and repair your relationship with the woman you married.
The me ruled by my heart and desire would be fighting to keep you. She would do almost anything to not let go of something she thought was worth it. She would feel guilty for coming between you and your wife, but she would find a way to justify it. She would tell herself that we had even more in common than we could have ever realized and that on some level, we were supposed to have met. She would want to continue to see you and hold you and kiss you and be intimate with you because her desire for closeness is overpowering. She would tell herself that anything is possible. She would tell herself that things could go back to the way they were supposed to be- a FWB, NSA situation if she truly wanted to. 


But the thing is, I can’t decide which part of me would… or should win. I want both. I want everything I can’t have.


If I was a believer in God, or a better Christian (which, clearly I am not), I would be certain I would go to hell.


*heavy sigh*


<font face="arial, helvetica, clean, sans-serif”>So you see, I am torn. I am literally having an internal struggle with myself. 


Perhaps I need some therapy myself.

 

 That was only part 1 of the two emails. After I sent that, I thought about more stuff I wanted to tell him.
 

 

I know, logically, that no matter what happens from this point forward, it doesn’t bode well for me. Regardless of whether we end this now, or continue to see each other (oh my, what am I saying?)- I’m the one who gets hurt. I’m already hurt. Depending on the minute, I feel angry with you for breaking my heart or I feel empathy for you. Sometimes I feel pity for you, and sometimes I feel like slapping you across the face. The part of me that wants to slap you, also wants to kiss it better. Do you see what you’ve done to me? You are the one who put me in this position, and yet I’m beating myself up over it. I don’t know if that says more about you or me. About how messed up I truly am internally.

 

I struggle on a daily basis with social anxiety. I have a job that I hate- despise actually. How does someone with social anxiety end up working directly with people? Every work day is a struggle to get through, so much so that it’s put a strain on my health. The past few months have been especially difficult because the part of the job I was beginning to get familiar with and enjoy was completely cut.  I lost 24 hours a week in a matter of seconds (literally though a text message) and the stress of finding something to fill that void has been weighing on me. I managed to pick up some extra hours through the same company, but it’s completely new to me and I dread it. For anyone else, it would be an easy transition- but for someone like me, it’s a nightmare.

 

The reason I bring that up, I know you’re wondering, is because you’ve helped keep me sane.  You’ve been a source of light in the darkness that is my life. With work constantly weighing on my mind, with my health hanging in the balance, with my finances in peril and with the general lack of freedom that comes from living with my parents- it’s hard to find something to be thankful for. It’s hard to not fall back into depression. You came along when I needed you the most and rescued me from certain despair. Suddenly, I had one thing in my life that wasn’t tainted by negativity. When I heard my phone go off with a text from you, it brought smiles to my face. Looking forward to meeting with you got me through the hardest days. Knowing that I could text you at the end of a hard work day made me relax.

 

No matter what happens, I can at the very least be thankful for the short amount of time we had that.

 

I think that’s part of the reason I’m hesitant to let go. For my own selfish reasons. 

But now that your secret is out there and I know… it begs the question: What do YOU want? You see, if you have the desire to set things straight with your wife and family- then my decision is made a hundred times easier. I let you go. It’s no less painful, but it’s the simplest resolution. If I were someones wife and we were in a similar situation, I would want to have the other women let go so I can have a chance to get my husband back. I empathize with your wife.

Not to mention, you have a daughter who looks up to you. If not for anyone else, you have to do what’s going to be right for her. Whatever that means.

The fact that you’re in therapy suggests that you want to fix yourself and your relationship. I want you to be able to help yourself be a better person. That obviously means letting you go so you can make progress.