Meanwhile…

 

 

 

♥ As if all that wasn’t enough weighing on my mind… THANK GOD for the following.

Yes, it was a concern. It’s either too early to tell, or (hopefully) just some weird symptoms I have going on with my body right now. I’ll re-test in a week or two just to be certain.

Latest messages from Ed:

him: I want to ask you a question.
Me: Ok. ask away.
Him: I know I’m in a position where I can’t really tell you anything about what not to do..
Me: Uhhuh… but?
him: Based on your New Year’s Eve email, what I was wondering is this- u ended up hooking up with (J) last week. Based on our honesty clause, is meeting up with other dudes and hooking up with them something that you’d like to do?
Me: honestly? No. I’d rather just be with you. 
Him:I’ll tell u wassup, ok..
me: Ok. Please do!
Him: Nobody more than me knows how fukked up shit is in my head.

*long pause here and I start to freak about what he’s going to tell me. 

Me: Ok.. just tell me!

Him: With my usual past behaviour, I’d always be on the prowl. But now, not anymore. I’ve checked out Craigslist for the first time in months. Before, it’d be everyday!! Since I met u, I don’t feel like doing that anymore. Couple that with the fact that I no longer what to put myself in dramatic situations. I’m done with that!! I mean I AM a man. I’m genetically programmed to scope out females, but I don’t have the urge to involve myself with females like I used to cause as fukked up as it sounds, I don’t want to ruin shit between us. Since u been around, u showed me things that blew me away. And in a messed up way, I don’t want to do shit cuz I know that if U do it, I’d be bothered, upset, hurt- like u meeting with that dude last week. I know it’s fukked up, but it’s how I feel. Only time I’ll ever deal with another female is one that you approve of when we together, that’s it.

(That last part is referring to a threesome we’ve talked about).

Me: you know, I have felt really guilty about meeting that guy. That’s why I told you about him- that, and because we have a deal to be as honest as possible with each other. I want you to know that I don’t want to do anything purposely that will mess things up between us. I really like you, believe it or not, and hearing what you said about how you don’t want to be in drama anymore makes me happy.

him:I just want u to know that I’m not trying to make u feel guilty about anything. Please don’t feel like I was doing that.

Me: I don’t think that. I just wanted to clarify that I do regret making those choices. I don’t want to be with anyone else. Not when I have you.

Him: I mean, if a situation like that presents itself again, I would understand. I are your own person. I couldn’t, in good conscience, TRULY be mad if u did.

(Uh.. what? I feel like this is some backwards way of saying he doesn’t really care after all…)

Me: you know, you say you have no right to be mad, but you can be. Just because you’re married doesn’t give me the right to play games with you and try to fuck you up. It’s not a "Oh, he doesn’t have a right to be mad at me cause he’s a liar and a cheat so I’ll go do whatever the hell I want" kind of situation. The choices I made were never out of spite.

and I haven’t heard back since noon-ish.