I know, I suck.

Dear Diary;

I know, I suck.

Being gone all summer really separated me from OD. I still really haven’t even found a groove with this diary since I’ve been home, which is a bad sign. I’m hoping that it will change, but I’m a little worried that it won’t because it feels like a tainted space.

I recieved a lovely journal from my mom on my 17th birthday that I started writing in the very day I got it. I wrote in it often and it really was a starting point for journalling for me. I wrote things in that diary that I couldn’t share with anyone and I kept it hidden to keep it private. When I got to college, I still used that journal- I kept it in my dorm room and wrote about everything from the people I met at camp, to how I felt about girls, to being assulted to losing my virginity. Then, it was stolen by someone I thought was a friend during a mini "prank war" and even though she said she never read it, I knew in my heart she did (and was proven right weeks later when she let it slip). That diary became tainted and I couldn’t ever bring myself to write in it again.

This diary has been looked at by a lot of people who weren’t supposed to be looking at it- that "friend" I mentioned above included.  Even through all of that, I knew that what I wrote privately was for my eyes only and that unless the system failed, it would stay private. I used to write private entries for my own sanity all the time. I wrote about the things I wanted to admit to myself but wasn’t ready to admit to other people… I wrote about ideas in my head.. my health, my feelings.. I used it to work out internal problems to help myself solve them.

Ever since *she* violated this space and read those private entries, I haven’t been able to bring myself to write any private entries. I think I’m having to deal with a lot of things internally that are beginning to eat away at my soul. I don’t have an outlet.

I’ve blocked her from this diary and I’ve blocked the fake diaries that she’s created in the past.. I have it set to block her IP address so she ca’t even read my public entries from a different diary- but that doesn’t take away the uneasy feeling I have.

and I know that I really have nothing left to hide from her, so really, what’s the harm in her reading my random entries? I’m just still upset with her and I don’t want her knowing any part of me anymore.

Anyway..

I haven’t been writing or noting anyone lately because I really just don’t feel up to it. I know that my lack of noting has caused many, many of my old faves to remove me from their friends list (some were surprising.. Raven E, where did you go??) and that’s okay. I just wanted to let people know that even though I don’t write or note often, I’m still here and I do read your updates when I get the chance. I’m sorry for not taking the extra time to note when I should- but I never know what to write.

NoJoMo will hopefully get me back into a groove if I haven’t yet found one by then.

Wow… it’s October already.