How it’s going down…

 

 

 

♥ I met Ed this morning.

He talked for an hour straight. He was jealous of me seeing other people- to which I quickly replied with a harsh snap about his WIFE. He’s not in love with me (I never expected him to be) but he does have strong feelings toward me. 

Basically, he told me how he feels and what he wants in everything he didn’t say.  I’m pro at reading between the lines.

and yet… here I am. Still upside-down and backwards over him. I wrote this email – WARNING, it MAY be graphic in places.

You were right, I do have more to say. I always do after I see you. You have a way of making me want to tell you everything.

Where to start.. 

I appreciate you telling me what you can. If I had a magic mirror that could show you the future, I would prove to you that I have no intention, desire or secret plan to ruin you or your family’s lives. I can tell you until I’m blue in the face that I am not, nor have I ever been a spiteful person, but you still don’t trust me enough to let me completely in. In a way, I get that. We protect ourselves- we build walls and sometimes the people that we meet hand us more bricks and mortar to make those walls taller and thicker. I want you to be able to see me as the one who hands you a sledge hammer and says "let’s tear this down now". Living behind walls isn’t living. It’s hiding. I know you don’t trust me right now, but it just makes me want to prove to you how trustworthy I am. At this point, I hope you realize the only one who can do damage to your life and your relationships- is you.

I told you about how I had been putting myself out there and dating. It’s true- I have. I met with J*** (aka: Mytho) twice. We had dinner, chatted and he treated me like a woman should be treated.  I don’t know why I agreed to meet him in the first place knowing that he too is a married man. I don’t know whether it was the fact that his wife approved of it or just the fact that I was feeling particularly down that day that made me agree.It doesn’t much matter. I felt like I needed to disengage from you a little, and in my mind, the best way to do that was to meet someone else who would make me forget. 

I’ve only met the one guy, but I’ve been chatting with many men from F****. JTG*, the one you say comments on all of my things- his name is D* and although very nice, upon talking with him, it’s clear he’s not my type. KK*, whose name is M*, is also a very nice, young man. We text each other sometimes, but have no immediate plans to meet. I also text with M* and H*, two more young gentlemen from Ottawa who are interested in me. F***has opened a lot of doors for me to meet new people and build new friendships but it comes with a price. F*** isn’t a "dating" site. It’s a place where men go to perv my pictures and push their kinks and fetishes on me. That’s not what I’m looking for. Getting under some random guy isn’t how I’m going to get over you. I know that now.

I’m not even sure I want to get over you. I know I *should* because if I don’t, things will get worse and there will be more heartbreak down the road. I think I’m prolonging the inevitable- and yet part of me just doesn’t care. The only thing I seem to know for certain is that I like you a lot and I feel drawn to you and I am not wanting to walk away as long as you’re still there.

That all being said, I’m not a stupid, gullible person and I think you know that. With everything good that comes along with you and your package (heh… see what I did there?), there is something bad, too. The countless times we’ve made plans and they have fallen through for whatever reason. The fact that even though I want to believe you, I just can’t trust some of the things you tell me. You should know that everything you say, I take with a grain of salt. How can I not? 

Here’s the thing. You’ve lied to me so much- and I value truth and honesty. I’m SO confused with my own thoughts and feelings about you because until now, I’ve never let anyone walk all over me the way you have. It sounds harsh, but it’s reality. If you were anyone else, a friend or even a family member, I would have kicked you to the curb at the first sign of deceit. You don’t realize that whatever you think lying says about the kind of person you are, compares little to what it says about the person you’re lying to. It says you think that person is undeserving of respect. It tells me that you think I’m stupid enough to believe it and that I am unimportant. This is part of the reason I know I *should* be getting over you and walking away. I know that I deserve better. 

I guess this is a perfect lead in for the question you asked me earlier. Why do I feel the way I do knowing what kind of person you are and what your behaviour is like. The honest answer to that is- I have no perfect answer. I wish I did. It would make things easier. I suppose it’s part of the way I was brought up and even the way I was educated. Looking beyond the behaviour (which can always be modified) to see the true person is a talent I seem to have. For some reason, I see more good in you than bad. Even with all the shitty behaviour, (and it IS pretty shitty, don’t get me wrong here), you as a person are not bad. 

When you were telling me how it bothered you that I was seeing and talking to other people, I won’t lie, it felt kind of good. To know that you think of me and still want me enough to feel a little twinge of jealousy… it’s almost nice. It’s also good for you to get a taste of what I’ve been chewing on. The difference is, I know that at the end of the day, you’re going home to someone else and I’m not. You’re waking up to someone else, and I’m not. I’m telling you about the people I’m seeing and what we’re doing together… and you’re not. I know you’ve told me before that you’re not seeing anyone else (apart from your wife, of course), but this goes along with the above statement about taking everything you say with a grain of salt. How do I know you’re not trying to spare my feelings or hide someone else from me? You can’t expect to have all of me if I can’t have all of you. There’s another difference between us- I’m willing to give you ALL of me, but you’re not. As much as I wish it, on some level, I know you’ll never leave your wife. You don’t have to tell me because it’s in the words you don’t say.

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When I see you, when you smile at me and look into my eyes and tell me you could get lost in them- I melt. I lose all my nerve and every concern floats away. When we’re together, nothing else seems to matter at all. The world stands still and my mind goes blank -LITERALLY. You saw it today. I can’t verbalize anything because I can’t form a thought other than "God, I want you so bad". It takes me a good 20 minutes after you’ve gone before my brain starts spinning again. When I’m with you, I think about how I want your touch. I think about what life could be like. I think about getting away with you somewhere where no one knows us and just spending days in bed with you doing everything we wanted to do and more. I think about giving myself to you fully. I think about how I like the way you pace in the snow like a little kid, sliding on the slippery ground. I think about how your eyes are like liquid chocolate and they seem to pierce through me. I think about the way your skin smells and feels and how it looks next to mine. I think maybe- just maybe- something, somewhere down the line will change and we’ll have the opportunity to be something more than secret lovers.

The good feeling lasts for a while. 

Eventually, it starts to fade. The longer we go without talking to each other or seeing each other, the more I start to feel like I should let go. I hate that feeling. I wish I could see you every day.

So, what does this all mean?

 I’m not even sure. 

What do you think?