Help please?
Dear Diary;
So… I’m writing a letter to several businesses asking for donations of camping equipment for Davern. I’ve started a very, VERY rough draft of a letter and I’m looking for some opinions/suggestions/corrections if you have any.
Dear Sir/ Madam,
Did you know that Camp Davern is an all girls residential summer camp located in Maberly Ontario? Did you know that girls come to Davern from not only the National Capital Region, but from all over the world? Did you know that every girl who attends Camp Davern will go on an out-trip?
I’d like to tell you a little about us. For over 60 years, Camp Davern has turned a summer experience into lifelong memories for girls ages 6-16. Over the years we’ve sent cabin groups out on overnight trips across the lake and across Ontario using equipment that gets re-used until it’s completely worn out. The equipment we are currently using has been around for many years and is in rough shape. Our campers and staff have come back from out-trips soaking wet from the rain and covered in bug bites because their tents have zippers that won’t zip. Even with a camp stove that won’t light, a tent that leaks and food that was packed in recycled yogurt containers- our girls come back from these trips with smiles on their faces, experiences you can’t get from anywhere else and stories you just can’t make up.
You’re probably wondering why you should care about what happens at Davern. With your help and a donation of some camping equipment, our campers will be able to go on bigger and better trips and we would be able to bring back our three day tripping program. With more tents, we would be able to send out more than one or two cabins at a time and we would have peace of mind knowing that they are safer than before with everything mother nature can throw at us. We also have Leadership programs at Camp Davern and the tripping aspects of these programs are much more intense than just our overnight trips. The Leaders and Leaders In Training (LIT’s) each go on a week-long canoe trip. They learn how to use a compass and read a map; they learn counseling skills, tricks and tips; and they get experience building fires, cooking meals and setting up tents (sometimes in the dark with mosquitoes swarming their heads and eating them alive. When we send our Leaders and LIT’s on trip, we send most of our equipment, meaning that the campers who are still at camp are having to reschedule their overnight trips until the equipment returns or they are having their overnights postponed indefinitely. We need your help to change the way tripping works at Davern.
***This is the point in the letter where I tell you how great your store is and how several of our staff and campers purchase equipment from you.**** (I honestly don’t know how to word this).
Won’t you consider helping us give the parents and children of Davern a safer and happier tripping experience? After all, investing in one child, is investing in an entire community.
Yours sincerely,
Meghan MacDonald
When I learned to write business letters, the advice I received was to say what you want in the first paragraph because a business person isn’t going to read through several paragraphs and you’re letter will just get tossed. Ouch! I didn’t want to hear that. Simply put, say what you want in the first paragraph, why you want it in the second, and thank them in advance for their help in the third. Short and sweet. You may also want to add that if they won’t donate equipment/supplies, they can make a monetary donation. Some businesses are much more willing to mail a check than actually donate items. Some are just the opposite. I loved your examples of why Davern needs help and what they can do. As a writing project, the letter is great. As a business letter, it needs to be more succinct and to the point. My two cents. Take what is helpful and toss the rest, as always.
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Oh, and one more thing, I’d ditch the “After all” in your last sentence and just state, “Investing in one child…”
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I agree with Merri. It is a good letter, but needs to be cut down to 3 paragraphs tops. I used to work with an organization and helped write the letter for my dad to solicit donations. Dont kiss *ss either. Its insulting to managers. Simply state that Davern is an all-girls summer camp for “blah blah blah” that is in serious need of community support, and that you are soliciting local businesses
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to donate money and/or supplies such as “blah blah blah” and that anything that they would be willing to “invest in the community” (loved the phrasing) would be greatly appreciated. I would also suggest that you prepare thank you letters for each business that donates and put an ad in all major papers, thanking your “sponsors”. The ad will be an incentive to others to seek YOU out to contribute.
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The publicity in the paper also acts as an unexpected incentive, and they will seek you out to donate year after year, calling to see what it is that you need most, whether it be first aid items, lanterns, etc. (solicit EVERYONE)!!!!! We all have something to offer, even if its just a couple bucks. Sorry this was so long. Oh. And add your title under your name. It makes it more official. *luck*
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