Eventually

 Dear Diary;

I’ve always had ideas in my head of things I wanted to do, and I’ve always thought to myself "eventually, that will happen for me" or "eventually I will do that".

Just recently, a girl I grew up with had a baby boy. Her and I were friends from a young age, brought together by my late uncle and my cousins, E&C. Whenever I would go to visit my cousins, Bailey would eventually come and visit along with her sister. Bailey was younger than me by only a year. We went to the same schools, had several of the same friends and at one point she dated a cousin of mine (which boosted her significantly on the popularity scale in public school because my cousin Michael was the cute guy in our small school). She is one of the sweetest and most mature women I’ve known and I am thrilled that she is married and has this beautiful baby boy.

Of course, it also makes me bitter and jealous of what I am yet to have.

I’m loosing precious time. Years are flying by at an alarming rate and I am still single and childless. The thought process of how I would eventually even get to that starting point sends me into a spiral. First, I have to meet someone, which probably won’t happen until I move the hell away from here. Even if I did meet someone, I rarely get a second glance looking the way I do, which means I have to lose more weight… not just because I won’t meet anyone at this weight, but because I probably won’t be able to have children unless I slim down considerably.

I always thought that "eventually" I would loose weight and be healthy. The problem with that, is that "eventually" doesn’t have any set amount of time equated with it. "Eventually" could be in 3 years… 5 years… 15 years… who knows. I’ve always thought that "eventually" a solution would come to me or "eventually" my situation would change and things would start to work out.

Well, "eventually" I’m going to be out of time for certain things. "Eventually" I’m going to miss that safe age where having children is not risky. "Eventually" I’m going to be too unhealthy and old to worry about looking slim and finding someone to love.

8 years ago, "eventually" seemed a lot closer than it does now.

Thanks to Facebook, I can also tell you that my best friend growing up is now engaged and expecting her first child.