This Isn’t Giving Up, No This Is Letting Go…

~So a few things have happened in the past couple of days.
 
~So I have been house sitting and been spending a lot of time alone, besides when I’ve been at work. I went home for a little while yesterday but that didn’t really help, and I got to talk to my friend AS yesterday and I haven’t seen her in a while so that was really nice.
 
~Based on recent events, I have decided, with the help of other people, that there are a few people in my life that I need to let go. First is E. I’ve already let him go, but I figure that he at least gets noticed because of all the people I think he will/has been the hardest seeing as how long I held on to him, such a long time… Next is J. I need to let him go. I texted him last night telling him that we need to talk, he pretty much just said ok. I have no idea when this is take place or if it even will, but after we have our talk, I know that I will be able to let him go. I’m the kind of person that needs to get that kind of closure… Next is AP. She and I have been friends for a while, but about 6 months ago we stopped talking because she didn’t like a decision that I was making and decided to leave me out to dry. Well because I thought the friendship was worth saving, I did everything I could to patch things and even though the reason she was mad at me had nothing to do with us, I still forgave her for leaving me when I needed her most and we became friends again. Well last night we kind of got into a fight because she is just selfish and I finally pointed that out to her. Well needless to say she is mad at me and idk what is going to happen, but to be honest, I’m just done. I can’t keep trying to make things better between us if she just keeps abusing our friendship. I am always there for her, and she really isn’t there for me. I don’t tell her things that I tell my other close friends anymore. I can’t. I’m afraid she’ll judge me like the last time and stop talking to me, well now I just don’t care. She is 27 and should have her shit together. I’m sorry it’s not my fault you got pregnant at 19 and decided to stay with the child’s father who is an ass, who you until very recently were cheating on for years. That man is the reason why you and the child’s father never got married 4 years ago when you were going to try and the reason why you haven’t decided to try again, and she knows that he isn’t the right guy, she’s just too afraid of being along to leave him. She doesn’t want to be me, knowing that there is no one there for you when you get home, and I realize that is awful sometimes but seriously you can do it. And that’s even more scary… So whatever, I’m done with all her issues. Seriously it causes way more drama in my life than I want or need. I’m done being there for her when her world is falling apart and helping her pick up her pieces when mine are so scattered that she gave up looking before she started…
 
~I just need to move on from all the things that have been causing me so much pain. As my new gay best friend, M, pointed out to me last night when we talked, there are other people in my life now that have my back, who are there for me. I don’t need these people anymore bringing me down. So I’m not going to let them anymore. I just can’t. I need to live life. I need to be free of them.
 
~I have been house sitting for about a week now and still have a few days to go and the house I’m staying at is right on Lake Michigan, and ok so it’s not as great as the ocean, but it’s the closest thing I have. So since today was so warm (yes 55 degrees is warm for us, especially since it has been in the 30’s the last few months!) I sat outside and wrote a little, so here it is, don’t judge it too harshly, just the words that came to me…
 
~There is something so magnificent about water, even I it’s not an ocean, a big lake will suffice. Looking out across it to the horizon, you can’t see the other side. No, all you see is endless blue. This deep dark expanse that brings forth so much beauty. So much possibility. Looking out across it, your mind wanders. It’s so captivating that you can’t control your thoughts. All you want to do in the moment is share it with someone. You look around you. Taking in your surroundings. There is no one to be found. It’s just you starring off into the distance and with the wide expanse in front of you; you begin to feel so small, so insignificant. The might of the water is calling for you. Asking you to join its perfect existence. The invitation is inviting with all the power the option brings. It’s pulling you in, second by second. Memorizing you. Not letting you look away. No matter how hard you try. It’s so peaceful, calm, gentle waves washing ashore. You have the sudden urge to jump. To join, and never look back. To escape this life of heart ache and pain. The endless suffering you have endured. The ceaseless tears would no longer be seen. They would become a part of a much bigger existence. You look down, the drop is many feet, but you don’t care. All you now care about is the water awaiting your presence. The invitation sill beckoning you, almost overpowering you. Why not go? There is nothing, no one waiting for you. No one expecting you to return, No one longing to see you again. There is no reason to stay, but then again there is no reason to leave. You feel stuck. Trapped in that singular place where you are standing. Nothing surrounding you, yet everything is still there. You can feel the pressure of your pain, the hurt collapsing upon you. Almost as if the water has unleashed its mighty waves against your chest. You struggle to find air even as a light breeze tickles your cheeks. When did it get this bad? How did this happen? You do not have the answers to those questions. Nor do you know how to fix them. Life is suffocating you, clenching fists around your throat. Threatening to end you once and for all. Part of you just wants to give in. Let yourself go. To end all the pain. You don’t want to feel anymore. You just want to belong, have a meaning, a purpose. You no longer want to be lost, scared, confused. You long to have the power to inflict those feelings on another. You have paid your dues, now it’s their turn. Rage pulses through your body. Anger against all those who have wronged you, hurt you. You want to make them pay for what they have done. Hot tears slide down your cheeks for your emotions can no longer be contained. You close your eyes for a moment, imagining what pay back will feel like. You can smell the fear, see it in their eyes. And at last you smile. Knowing that you are finally in control. You have the power to make them change, to make them feel the way you do. You open your eyes and gaze back out across the water. It would be so easy. But you have never been one to take the easy way out. Even though it hurts, you take a step away, away from the pull, a

way from the invitation, away from the power. You don’t know where you’re headed, but one thing is for sure, you’re gonna get there…