Summertime…

~So its summer and life is suppose to be great and everything is supposed to be amazing, but of course its not.

~Nothing new there but I guess summer has caused me to think about things differently.

~So I met a guy, but of course he doesn’t want to be a relationship… Yeah like I haven’t heard that one before. I get kinda irritated with people like that. Why not just tell me the truth that I’m too fat ugly ect for you and let it all out, but no instead they all make up a silly little lie that just is pathetic cuz really who doesn’t know that truth to what they are really saying, maybe I’m just destined to be single forever or only be with guys who try to use more or try to get inside my pants. Not really what I had hoped for my life but sometimes there is just nothing you can do about it. 

~So I was watching this movie about this girl who is practically just like me, except for she’s totally pretty and skinny, but that’s besides the point… she wants to kill herself. She hadn’t picked when she just wanted to and she made a list of a bunch of different ways you could accomplish such a task. But along with this list she had another list that listed the things she wanted to do before she died. I have such a list. Sometimes its the only thing that keeps me alive. Though I don’t think that I will ever accomplish much of anything that is on that list, I want to think that I will. Knowing the way my life has played out so far, yeah not too much of it is going to happen…

~So I’ve had lots of random thoughts today… Like equality, yeah that doesn’t exist. We will never be equal. Men will always get paid more than women, some people will "have it all" while others will be homeless, some will have a great spouse others will be alone. We will never be equal to each other, so why do we try to make ourselves equal? I don’t understand it, though I am a victim of this thinking. I’m always wanting to be equal to other people in money, social standings, ect… But really we weren’t created to be equal, we were created to be different from each other and that’s just the way it is. We can’t be equal cuz if we were we still wouldn’t be happy…

~Along with that, why do we all compare ourselves to others. I will never be a thin or pretty as my sister or the actresses in the chick flicks I love so. It just won’t happen. Its not in my desiny and I KNOW this yet, I still want to be just like them. Why? Because they have everything that I want. If your not pretty or thin or have an amazing boyfriend, well you can see why one would want such things… Plus along with those things comes confidence and self assurance… But like I said it will never be me, though I really want to achieve those things someday. Though really there is nothing I can do in my power to change much of the things I want. Also why is it that we never really get anything we really want? I thought God wanted to make us happy? Why not give us some of the things we want, instead of taking everything away? I just don’t understand that one. God has taken so many things away from me, don’t you think that I’m finally due to get something that I want so I can finally experience some time happy instead of this constant struggling and pain? You would think that this isn’t that complicated but for some reason I guess it is. I will never know or understand how things work in this world, all I know is that happiness is very hard to come by, and once you have something you want, NEVER EVER LET IT GO… cuz once its gone its never coming back…

~it seems that for things to actually work out in life are much harder to make happen the having our lives be an absolute mess. I mean the messes in our lives keep them interesting, but really, I can take a break from the messes and finally just have things move at a smooth pace for a while. I hate all the drama and tears that the messes drag along with them. I hate the way I’m always wishing that I could redo my life, or wishing that I could be someone else and live in a different pair of shoes. I understand why reincarnation is such an appealing concept for some people. I mean I would never want to be reincarnated as a cow or anything like that, but I would totally love to lead a totally different life some day. That would be amazing. It would be a whole new adventure and hopefully I wouldn’t make the same mistakes that I have in this life.

~Also why is it that when you want to forget about someone why is he the only thing that you can think about? It really makes no sense at all. I mean all the pain I already feel, wouldn’t it be ok to just not think about him. All the built up disappointment is enough don’t ya think? Apparently not. Which sucks of course. Cuz no matter what I do the simpliest things will remind me of him. I haven’t even seen him in a while but just driving home from work I will see 3 things that make me think about him or remind me of him. And I don’t even know him that well. I just wish that I would have never met him, yeah he introduced me to some great people and actually gave me a partical social life, but still. The hurt that he causes me without even knowing it is cause enough to wish that we would have stayed in completely separate worlds. Life would have been a whole lot easier if I would have never met some people or did some of the things that I did. Also life would have been smoother if I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes or so many stupid decisions… But there is really nothing I can do about it, I was destined to do those things, to feel this way. You can’t change the past only the future… But the future sucks, at least it’s held true so far, that’s why I just want to end my future sometimes, its so hard to keep hanging on to this false hope that maybe some day in the future all this pain and hurt will be worth it… I don’t think so that’s why I just want to end it all sometimes… But who knows… This is my life and there is nothing that I can do right now to change the way it is…

~And these are the random thoughts that i’ve been having this summertime…