Stream of Tears…

~Tears. I feel them gently sliding down my cheeks. I make no attempt to stop them. Soon my cheeks begin to feel moist. Yet I do nothing. I close my eyes and try to remember a time when I didn’t feel like this. Memories flash. Coming and going in little bursts. Memory after memory bounce around my mind. Nothing comes. They all end the same way. There are moments where real joy was present. My smile wasn’t a lie. They were good times. Watching him walk into my room, lying down next to him. Feeling his delicate face beneath my fingers as I looked into his soft green eyes.  Getting lost in them, forgetting about everything else in the world, my life, my pain, my misery. Gazing into his eyes, trying to read his thoughts, but failing. For once, failing was acceptable. Nothing mattered. The only meaning in my life was how I felt in that moment, secure in his arms, eyes locked in his. Death couldn’t bring me down, not in that moment. But as all moments do, it ended. I open my eyes. Unwilling to recollect the inevitable events that follow. More tears race from me eyes. My heart beats hard. Each beat brings enormous pain. I can barely handle it. The agony is almost too much. His eyes throb in my mind, imprinted in my memory. Resistant to vanish, disappear, so I don’t have a prevalent reminder of what used to be. Try as I might, it still remains. The vivid color pierces everything. Guiltless, uncaring eyes. They held no emotion, much unlike my own which radiated pleasure, joy, love. The tears slowly slip out a never ending stream. The pain is too great. The pressure pins me down, crushing my breath. I gasp for air, attempting to overcome this. Each breath takes more and more effort than I have. I’m too weak. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up. The memory flashes through my mind again. This time he leaves. He’s gotten what he came for. I watch him get up, his eyes searching mine. I almost make out remorse, but yet they remain emotionless. Slowly he walks out the door. Closing it silently behind him. Instantly the pain launches. It overtakes me. Consuming my whole being. How can I go from feeling so safe, so intact to so exposed, so shattered. I remember the tears then. My protection from all harm left when he walked out the door. Coming back to reality, I feel my labored breathing. Will it ever end? My heart is weak, damaged. It needs to be reconstructed. But there isn’t time. With each beat the pressure thickens. My eyes flutter close. I don’t have the strength to keep them open. I curl up into the tightest position possible. I try to make myself small, insignificant. What do I matter? Who cares? Replaying him leaving in my mind. I know the answers. More tears swell behind my eyes. With a shacking hand, I wipe them away. I try to tell myself that some things were just never meant to be. That sometimes you need to be alone. But nothing works for I have always been alone. Even when lost in his eyes, I was still alone. His arms, his kiss, his eyes all couldn’t save me. He never wanted to. I feel so used, so broken. The scars he cut on my heart can’t heal. I have tried to patch them up little by little, hoping the patches won’t rip. But they have all fallen off. Exposing my imperfections. My heart is one big defect. He wasn’t willing to mend it. Instead he fueled the fire. He watched it burn. Yet I still can’t forget what it felt like to be in his arms. So safe, so protected. I can’t let go of the memory. It haunts my very being. Even through the pain, I know that I still want to be with him. I would give anything for him to walk through my door, to get swept away once again in his green eyes. I did nothing to make him leave. He never intended to stay. Yet, in some messed up way, I want him to come back. Only to leave once more. Am I willing to have one night of faulty happiness only to suffer a lot longer in agony? The tears resurface. I can’t move. The weakness has spread from my heart to my soul. My spirit is faint. I take one last breath while a fresh stream of tears dry on my moist cheeks…