NYE 2013

~Well its another New Year’s Eve.  I mean they do come around every 365 days or 366 if you are special that year, and every year I like to take some time and reflect back on the life that I have lived. 

~A lot has happened this year.  A lot of big things.  I graduated from college.  I got my first real job.  I’m officially a big girl now.  It’s been an adjustment always going to work 5 days a week no matter what.  I don’t get summers off anymore (not that I’ve really had a summer off since I was 14), I have a set schedule and I can have a life on the weekends if I want.  Its just so confusing to me! But in the end it was necessary to happen and I’m glad that it did because at the time I was in need of a change.  I love my job, and my coworkers.  I couldn’t have asked for a better placement in the working world.  I know that I’m where I’m supposed to be when it comes to that. 

~In other respects this year has also been a learning year for me.  I thought I wanted a few things in my life and when they happened I realized that perhaps maybe I was wrong and really didn’t need/want these things anymore.  One of the big learning experiences for me was my boyfriend M.  M and I are still together in all technicality of the word, but we really have never built a relationship.  We are just different people and I took a risk thinking that I could overlook and learn to live with some of his traits that I didn’t necessarily like.  But in the end, those things are just too important to me in a potential life partner. For me its all about looking forward and working to get there.  He is rather content on where he is at and does not see the need to move.  And this might sound bad or whatever, but I know myself I need someone who I can move forward with.  I don’t need someone who will be my shadow dragging me back to the starting point which in all honesty is what M is doing.  I’ve also learned that I’m no longer willing to settle when it comes to a boy.  I settled for M.  and I was willing to settle for S last year when I knew that there was probably no way it would work out.  With M I had doubts and I thought that perhaps they could be overlooked but with S I knew that our worlds were just too different.  And now, I’m not settling.  I have traits and attributes that I know will be important when it comes to my "perfect" man and if someone doesn’t have those on his list, then I’m not wasting my time or his for that matter.  There are just some things in life that no matter what people can’t compromise on.  We all have those things and I’ve just finally figured out what those things are. 

~I also learned this year that I don’t need anyone around me to support myself.  I mean I still don’t like being alone, but in the end the only person that you can count on is yourself.  So it will just have to be me against the world because no one else will fight my battles for me.  I thought that this was a responsibility you were supposed to share with someone, but in my experience I have learned the hard way that you have to protect yourself and when it comes down to it, walk in the opposite direction of everyone else.  I have lost a few "friends" this year, and the people I do consider friends, aren’t always there for you.  They just can’t be.  So in the end all you have is you.  And if you don’t take care of yourself no one else will.  So I’ve started taking care of myself and that’s the only way I will get through all this in one piece.

~I’ve also learned that some relationships in life will be toxic.  It will happen to everyone.  and sometimes you just need to let these relationships go.  I’m not saying that it will be easy, but it will be necessary.  It took me several years to figure this out.  I wasted a lot of time and energy on the wrong person.  A lot of pain and suffering as well.  And in the end what was it all for.  Not a whole lot.  So if you can identify someone like that in your life, it might be the best thing for you to let that person go…

~Something I learned about myself (and I guess I always knew this but now its just more apparent) is that I’m a people pleaser.  I do not like to disappoint people.  I don’t like people being mad at me.  I don’t like knowing I was the cause of hurt or other bad feelings.  Now sometimes you can’t really get around some of those situations, but I really try my hardest to please people and that has gotten me in trouble a lot.  I have done some things that I later did not agree with, with people that I shouldn’t of had any interaction with.  And its not that I regret these things, I mean the mistakes in life are the way we grow for the future, but I do wish I would have been stronger to say no to stand my ground and not care what anyone said.  If people want to like me and be my friend then they will not force me into these situations or get angry when I say no.  They people that do get angry, I need to learn really aren’t worth my time or energy.  This is something that I am for sure going to work on for 2014.  It’s not going to be easy but gosh I’ve got to try. 

~In other respects this year really wasn’t a bad year.  I’ve had way worse.  I don’t know where my life is headed and I’m not necessarily liking the direction I think I’m headed in, but who knows all that could change in a blink of an eye.  Wish me luck in 2014.  And I will return the favor!

~<3