Maybe I wanted you too badly…

~So yesterday I was kinda depressed. I had the day off, even though they called me and asked if I could work cuz a ton of people called in sick! But That would have made it 6 days in a row and i’m sorry Kohl’s I just can’t stand you that much to work there that often! Anyways, so I had the whole day to do pretty much whatever I wanted. I did a lot of reading which is amazing! I finished the book I was reading but its a teen romance one and it made me feel really lonely. Like lonely meaning without a man by my side… I know that I shouldn’t care and if its gonna happen its gonna happen, but I just sometimes can’t stop thinking about how alone I feel sometimes…

~So based on that thinking, I started to think about Eric, but I didn’t feel like I always do. And then I started to think about my last crush, Scott. And it just didn’t feel right. I mean I liked these guys, but i know that now they mean absolutely nothing to me. And that got me to thinking that I’m really pathetic! It also got me to thinking that I’ll never have anyone. Which sucks… But I feel it deep down, I really do, that I will forever be alone…. Truth be told, that’s my biggest fear, ending up alone…

~No matter what I do I can’t stop myself from wondering if I will always be alone. Friends and family can only do so much. I feel that there is still an empty void in me that is needing to be filled. I pray that someday it will be filled, that I won’t feel this loneliness anymore, that I’ll break out of this, whatever it is! But I just don’t know how. I have thought of the possiblity that maybe I’m not supposed to know how to get out of this rut, but I really want to find a way to.

~I’m sick of waiting waiting waiting… Why can’t something just HAPPEN?!?!