It’s Too Late…

~You can’t sleep. You toss and turn hoping that somehow you can find a comfortable position and fade out of this reality. Anything would be better than staying awake. For just one second you wish you could escape. Runaway. But this reality haunts you. Reminding you every moment that you are stuck. Even though you wish for sleep you know that it won’t really help you. Your even haunted by your dreams. You just can’t escape his presence. When you close your eyes, you see his face, hear his voice, feel his touch. No matter how much you try, you can’t stop it, or the pain it brings. Your dreams are filled with him. There next to you, holding your hand, helping you through this life. But these dreams are nothing more than that, dreams. He left, and you know he’s never coming back though this doesn’t stop you from wishing he was here. Lying next to you, holding you close, whispering everything will be ok. But he left you, with stains left on your heart. Making your reality a living hell. A hell that haunts you, one that strives on your pain and brokenness. You feel the wet tears slip from your eyes. You can envision him wiping them away, but instead they remain in his place. You call out his name, but you know that it’s just too late. He walked away, but you feel guilty for pushing him in that direction. You never realized what you were doing until it was too late. He left, and all the lights went off in your heart. Sometimes life isn’t fair but you know life didn’t do this to you, you did. You wish you could blame someone, even if only to make you feel slightly better. But you know that is useless. Nothing will ever be able to undo the damage you created. You often wonder if he ever thinks about you, like you think about him, and you can only wonder where his life has taken him. You pray that he is well, that he is happy. He never deserved any pain in his life. You know that you should just leg go, but you can’t He was the one, now it’s too late. You remember all the times you were together. You remember the way he smiled at you and how happy you felt. Like nothing could ever ruin this. You were running on a high, high on him, but now that he’s gone the buzz has worn off, and the fog clears to reveal the pain, the hurt, the brokenness. You can remember walking hand in hand down the street and thinking nothing else matters in this moment, nothing but him. Everything was just right, now it’s too late. You feel more tears slip down your cheeks. You want to give up. To say "He wins, you lose." You find it difficult to keep moving day in and day out without him. You thought time would make the pain lessen, that time would eventually fade the stains until barely noticeable. But you were wrong. Sometimes it seems time has made it worse. Now you know that it’s too late, there is too much to say to him. To take back the way you acted, the cruel things you said. But in the end you know none of this would matter. You can’t reverse the past, just move away from it. The farther you move away the more distant the memories, but the pain never leaves. Sometimes just hearing his name makes you tremble. You fight it, each and every day, but you can feel your strength lessening. It’s harder and harder to hold on. You will yourself to win this fight, even though you know victory is useless. No one will ever replace him. No one will ever see you the way he did. So in the end, you have lost. You hold the image of his face in your mind as you finally feel sleep crushing down on you, to make sure you have the only thing left of him with you before it’s too late…