In These Moments of Loss and Torment…

~So its been a while… I can’t believe how much time passes in between life events…

~So I finally quit my part time job… It has taken me a while. I even cried a little.  I know that it sounds a little pathetic, but in reality they have become like another family to me and I wasn’t really ready to give up that family yet… But for me its not that I wanted to it was that I had to.  Now more than ever I needed to leave.  All the memories that started coming back, they just started to become too painful.  I never thought that it would be like that.  But it is what it is and I needed to get out before things started to get worse and I didn’t want it to get back to where I used to be and I honestly thought that that was the path that I was heading down.  We really didn’t need anything like that.

~On another note, I’m not exactly sure what I want anymore.  For the longest time I wanted a relationship with someone.  Well I mean I don’t have one as of now and haven’t had one in years, but recently I’ve been starting to question if that is really what I want.  I have been kinda seeing this guy all summer long and I do like spending time with him but I honestly don’t think that it would change how I feel about him.  And honestly I don’t feel that much when I’m with him.  Its like I’m numb to any and all feelings.  I mean I don’t feel happy or sad when I’m with him, I don’t really feel passion or sorrow.  I just don’t feel.  Which is so weird because I’m such and emotional person.  I leave my emotions on my sleeves and live life in the moment.  I mean I am a planner but I do focus on the moment. And in the moments I’m with him, I don’t really feel.  Its actually a little disappointing.  I wish that I could but then again, I’m not sure I want anything with him because we are really different.  But then again I haven’t really focused on if I want to be with him because he’s never let on that its an option.  I spent Friday night with him and he wanted me to stay the night and that’s the first time he has asked me and I really thought about staying but in the end I went home because all I could think about was the last time I spent a night with a guy… It was the last time I ever saw him and I didn’t want that to happen.  Like I said I like spending time with him but I’m just not sure what exactly I want…

~Also this weekend I did get to spend some time with other people from my part time job which was super fun.  I’ve never hung out with these people outside of work really and we had such a good time.  And one of the guys that went along I’ve always had a little mini crush on him since I’ve met him.  He’s a little on the quite side which totally isn’t the usual type I go for especially because I’m pretty loud and outgoing at times.  But spending a low key night with him and a couple other people was so awesome.  That night we had a bon fire at his house and I sat next to him on his tailgate and all I wanted was for him to put his arm around me.  I mean it was so weird.  I haven’t had the impulse in such a long time, and I was a little disappointed when it didn’t happen.  So I have no idea what is going on with me.  I don’t even know what this guy wants.  He’s a few years older than me and I’m not sure what he is looking for.  I mean I honestly don’t even know if he has a girlfriend.  He’s never mentioned one but then again I have no idea.  According to Facebook he doesn’t have one but that doesn’t always mean anything.  So I guess we will see what happens.  I currently still have a sweatshirt that he let me borrow so we will need to hang out sometime so I can give it back to him, I just know that I’m going to have expectations and I just hope that I’m not too disappointed when the time comes…

~I am feeling really comfortable in my new position at work now.  I have been there almost 4 months now and things are definitely sailing a little more smoothly.  We also have reorganized our department since I’ve started and one of my coworkers left the company so it really is much more low key than it used to be.  And I honestly am way more comfortable in my position now.  So it was probably a good thing that she got let go even though I was a little weirded out in the beginning but overall it really was for the best.  I just can’t wait until I finally understand everything and I can do some of the work on my own.  I just have so much left to learn… I guess its one of those things that you never stop learning…

~Other than that, not too much else to report just trying to get by and have fun at the same time.. I need to really start living my life and I am planning on starting to do that right now! So wish me luck! <3