I’m So Much More Than Meets The Eye…

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~No one told me that letting go was going to be this hard…  I keep getting lost in thoughts of J.  I really need to stop having these thoughts, and if I knew how I would stop having them, but they keep popping up.  Some of them make me really happy, others drive me to tears.  I just wish that they would stop.  They are painful.  Really painful most of the time and I just don’t want to think about him anymore.  Or the what could have beens, because in reality they will never happen and I know this.  I have always known this.  So why, why is it so hard for me to let go?  I don’t understand.  You would think that the countless number of times that he has hurt me would be enough for me to let him go.  You really would think so, but apparently not.  I know that if he texted me tonight saying he wanted to see me, I would go.  I would go and probably do something to get myself hurt all over again.  I know this.  I have thought about it, thought about the actuality of this happening, and yet though I know the outcome, I still will let myself get hurt.  I don’t understand it.  Why am I doing this to myself.  I’m really setting myself for failure.  I am really stronger than this.  I promise that, but I don’t know why I become weak, and allow this to keep happening. 
 
~I have been told that I think too much.  I know that this is the truth, but I also don’t know how to stop it.  I mean I always come up with all these different possibilities in which something can turn out, or these situations in which I would love to end up in, but never will… Its dreadful.  It really is.  These constant thoughts swriling around in my head.  I really wish that I had an off switch to just stop them for once.  To just let life happen.  To play out my role without analyzing every little thing.  Its really irritating that I can’t do that.  I always get lost in my thoughts, and what is really scary is that I often have multiple thoughts running through my head all at once.  I was born to be a multitasker I guess.  Probably why I am always doing more than one thing at a time and probably why I have been able to get myself through my extensive school program and working as much as I do and still manage to get a 3.92 in my undergrad and as of right now a 4.0 in my MBA its honestly crazy.  No one should be able to do that.  Nope.  But somehow with everything that has happened to me the past four years, I have been able to do it.  Makes no sense but I’m living proof.  I don’t know if its a really great idea, but I can’t go back and undo it.  I wouldn’t if I had the chance.  I’ve worked to hard to undo everything now. 
 
~I only have 31 days left until graduation.  I know that’s really not a long amount of time, but it still feels like forever away.  It really does.  I just want to be done, to have a job, to know where my life is headed.  Too many times I spend time wondering what life will be like if I get this job or that, but honestly I can’t even get an interview at most of these places.  So why bother thinking about them? I have no idea.  I just do.  I really wish that many of them would interview me.  I am so much more than a piece of paper.  If you never talk to me you don’t know how amazing I can be.  I also tend to have many layers to me.  And as I get more comfortable with a person the more the layers come off.  And I wish these companies could see that.  I wish they could see me for who I really am, not just what a piece of paper says I am.  My work experiences do not define me.  I decided how I am defined.  I can learn many different skills from past experiences, but that doesn’t mean my past makes up who I am.  Sure my past influences who I am, but it doesn’t define me.  I am so much more than that.  I just applied to another job last night that would be pretty awesome to get cuz its a lot closer than the last place that I applied for, and it touches pretty much all areas of HR which would be amazing.  I also do not need to have any previous experience which made it really attractive to me.  But then again this can hurt me if someone else applies for it and has a lot more experience than I do… It just seems that I cannot win in this game called life…
 
~So I found out that S will be leaving the area after all.  Not for another month or so when his lease is up, but I guess that will solve that problem.  Though I did text him the other night and it sounds like we will hang out before he leaves.  I’m not sure it will happen, I hope that it happens, but I’m not gonna be all disappointed if it doesn’t.  I have been promised many things by different men and very few of them have ever followed through.  So needless to say I don’t have full confidence that this will actually happen.  But if it does, it will be a well deserved night.  One that I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need…
 
~I’m so thankful for my new friend M.  He’s absolutely amazing.  Probably because he is gay and I’ve always wanted a gay best friend and now I have one!! He has that 6th sense all guys do when girls are thinking about another guy cuz yesterday I was thinking about J (surprise surprise) and he texted me something really funny!  So instead of crying from J I laughed because of M.  I would be absolutely lost without him.  He really has been my support the past couple of weeks and I would not trade him in for the world. 
 
~AP called me the other night… Apparently we are friends again.  Not friends like we used to be, but at least we are on speaking terms.  To be honest I can’t trust her anymore.  She won’t get to know all the really important details in my life.  Sure I’ll tell her if I get a job or start dating someone, but she won’t know until it actually happens.  She has lost that right to know.  I still think that I may need to filter her out and I think with this new plan that I have come up with, I may be able to do that.  Plus I might end up moving if I don’t get the job I did interview for.  I can’t keep waiting around here to see if something opens up.  My friend B got a job in Missouri and we always talked about moving together, so if I can’t find anything we may end up moving.  And Missouri at least is more south than where I am now so hopefully that means shorter winters and warmer summers!! But we shall see what happens.  I’m still holding out some hope that something happens soon, cuz as much as I do not want to live with my parents, I would like to start paying off my student loans and having them support me will help me do that a lot faster!! 
 
~Lately I’ve been thinking about the different between loving someone and being in love with someone… I think that it is possible to love someone and be in love with that person, but that’s only supposed to happen with one person.  So in the end we just end up loving people, caring about them.  But you know what, that kind of love is never good enough for us.  We all want to be in love with someone.  That kind of love is what we all are looking for.  Searching high and low, wide and deep, all over the place for it.  Why do you think there are so many dating websites out there, or why there have always been personals in the newspapers.  We all want to be loved by that one person who is in love with us!  We also want to return that love.  So in reality since we are all trying to find it and feel it, why is it so hard to find?? That is what I do not understand.  We were all created with this feeling, this urge to find the one, but where is he?  I know that people start their searches at different points in life, but I also believe theat there is more than just one person out there.  I believe that there could be several people out there who could be the "one" for me.  I don’t have just one soulmate.  So based on this, I should have a higher percentage chance of finding "someone."  These are just some of the random thoughts that I have been having…